A Guide To Striking Out On Dating Apps

A soul mate. The love of your life. A lifelong partner or a significant other. Whatever type of relationship you’re looking for, you’ve probably thought about (and have maybe even tried) turning to a dating app. In today’s world, dating apps have made finding “the one” as much about what’s at your fingertips, as what’s in your heart.

Between selecting the best photo and choosing the right words, dating apps have made sparking romance akin to applying for a job. And just as with job interviews, there’s always the potential to flub things and miss out on an opportunity. The one that got away, as they say.

But by avoiding these amateur-level mistakes, you can become skilled at using dating apps and improve your chances, whether you’re looking for love, companionship, or camaraderie. Pay close attention, as this could make the entire ‘swiping’ difference…

Not being focused

When using a dating app, it helps to be clear about what you’re looking for: a life partner or a casual date, a forever companion or a fly-by-night encounter. Optimize your dating app experience by being specific with your search, which means indicating a realistic age range, geographic limitations, and other criteria important to you.

There is no sense in matching with someone who is not a realistic candidate; that just wastes not only your time but theirs too.

Not taking the time to really read member profiles

Skimming a profile can lead to skipping important information. Actually read and pay attention to what’s in an applicant’s profile so that you’ll know if you’re within someone’s age or location range, if they’re a pet lover or dog disser, or if you have anything in common at all (other than being on the same app).

One of the most common hangups in this arena is with kids; if someone puts their family goals (including not wanting to have kids) on their profile, it’s important to note it right away and move on if they don’t match.

Spending too much time swiping

 The average Tinder user spends almost 90 minutes daily on the app. That’s a lot of time spent staring at a screen and tapping away with your fingers instead of meeting people. Cut back on the swiping sessions and spend more time joining clubs, socializing, and hanging with friends doing things you love.

Out there, you might just get a new perspective on what you’re looking for online. Plus, if you’re out enjoying yourself, you’re more likely to meet people who match your interests.

Not being careful about what you say and who you say it to

You never know if people on a particular dating website are conversing with one another, so don’t present yourself as an outgoing party animal to one person and a stay-at-home sloth to another. Let’s just say conflicting descriptions can cause conflicting emotions. Plus, why bother being dishonest right from the get-go?

If you’re out to meet people, it’s best to be honest and consistent right from the beginning so that you can be sure you meet up with those who actually have potential.

Having a generic profile

We’ve all seen the generic profile that has lots of words in it but says nothing real or intelligent or insightful about the person. You only have so many sentences to create a portrait of yourself; using broad brushstrokes makes you seem indistinct, just another uninteresting person in the pack.

You need to stand out, but do it in your own way. Write a poem, share a favorite quote, turn the text on your profile into a picture…whatever suits you.

Posting your best photo

Let’s face it: most people don’t often look like their best photos. Which means you’re only setting yourself up for failure or, at the very least, unrealistic expectations if you post your best photo. Posting normal, everyday photos of yourself (read: realistic) shows that you’re comfortable with your appearance, not to mention honest.

This way, the people you meet up with will have a more appropriate expectation of who you are and what you look like. Sure, you may not make as many matches, but the ones you do make will be higher quality.   

Writing an overly long bio

You’re not Ernest Hemingway. You’re not writing a sequel to War and Peace. You’re writing a personalized profile that most likely will be read by someone who’s busy, working, working out, or binge watching Game of Thrones (because they can’t accept that it’s really, really over). Keep your bio genuine, truthful, and short.

People who spend time on these apps are moving quickly, just like reading job applications. A first impression is powerful, and it’s basically all most people will give before they move on…unless you grab their attention.

Casting too broad a net in your search

It’s a big dating world out there; not narrowing your search enough could mean that you’ll end up spending too much time looking at profiles you’ll never pursue. Look for things that attract you to people. Contact individuals with whom you might share common interests. Compatibility could lead to harmony.

People often say that opposites attract, but that’s only true sometimes and in certain contexts. Make sure you’re finding those who share interests with you, not people who are your mirror opposites.

Insisting on going to dinner for your first date

Table any thoughts of going out to dinner when you’re first meeting up with someone. They might feel pressured because they won’t have a quick exit strategy if they’re just not feeling it as the date goes on. Think about opting for getting together in a coffee shop, bakery cafe, or a casual tavern for a glass of wine.

This way, you (and your potential date) won’t have to sit awkwardly with someone there’s no chemistry with should things turn out differently than planned. Dipping out politely can be respectful for both parties.

Posting staged photos

Forget the gym selfies, the sports fan paraphernalia, the shot of you strolling along a golden beach with the peach-colored setting sun artfully highlighting your hair. People on dating apps are hoping to come across a person who’s authentic and true to themselves, not someone who’s artfully posed and artificially presented.

Plus, they’re rarely going to get to see you like that in real life anyway. Talk about moderating expectations! You’ll make a better connection if you’re authentic.

Using too many free websites instead of paid memberships

Generally, members of paid websites are more serious about finding a relationship than individuals on free websites. Whether you’re looking on a free or paid dating app, your results aren’t guaranteed, but shelling out a few bucks for a short-term subscription could be a good investment if you’re truly serious.

This is to be expected, of course; those just casually looking or not putting in much effort will be unwilling to try the paid products, so that’s something to keep in mind.

Not specifying what you want

It goes without saying that not everyone is looking for the same thing when it comes to the dating world. State whether you’re looking for a casual hookup, a real relationship,  or a marriage and you’ll find yourself connecting more with people who are on the same path as you.

Plus, you’ll spend less time with those who are on a totally different road to romance. You can’t be upset that someone wasted your time on a casual fling if you didn’t specify that’s not what you were looking for.

Focusing too much on appearance

Whichever way you look at it, it’s important to be attracted to someone on a dating app, and everyone has their own preferences, “types,” and things they find attractive. But if you set specific standards (like “5’6” and taller only”), you’ll only be reaching out to a small pool of people.

Test the waters by reaching out to people who might not fit the specific requirements you had in mind, and you just might be pleasantly surprised.

Not cutting to the chase as quickly as possible

The emails are endless. The texts are taking too long. After a few electronic messages, increase the momentum by asking to speak on the phone and engaging in real conversation. Then request a date. There is no use in continuing to burn time on lighter forms of communication. Reach out.

If you enjoy just chatting as friends and moving slowly, that’s fine. Just be sure that you’re clear on that in your conversations with your potential partner.

Not reading the bio first

Stop the incessant speed swiping and actually read what’s in the bio. You’ll be surprised at how much good information some bios contain. Plus you’ll avoid going on a date with someone whose offensive jokes, questionable objectives, and off-putting one-liners went unnoticed because you didn’t actually read what they wrote.

Bios are there for a reason, and many people fill them out thoughtfully and genuinely. Use that to your advantage to avoid wasting time later.

Not making your first message original

Blah, blah, blah can turn into a blah profile. Taking a stock introduction and copying and pasting it to all candidates doesn’t allow you to present yourself as someone unique and worth meeting. Decide how you want to present yourself and find something in each member’s profile that relates to your description.

For example, if you’ve matched with someone who loves horses as much as you do, you can begin straight out with a quip about the pony you had growing up. Just something you have in common.

Not having good conversation starters

Saying “hi” isn’t necessarily a high point when it comes to great conversation starters. Think beyond the usual “hey,” “how are you,” or the dully reliable “how was your day?” Ask, instead, about their go-to coffee order, what makes for an ideal Sunday, or what the best part of their week was.

These questions not only teach you more about the person and whether they’re a great match, but they also keep your potential date from having to respond to yet another generic message with a canned message of their own.

Not being up-front about your intentions

Dating intentions don’t always have to be intense, but be upfront if you’re looking for a casual dating scene or a noncommittal hookup. Trying to hide your intentions usually doesn’t work and can lead to hurt feelings and unnecessary misunderstandings. This makes sense to think about, because honesty really matters.

How can you expect someone to fulfill whatever role you’d like for them to be if you aren’t clear about what that role is? You would likely feel lied to if someone bamboozled you on expectations after meeting up, so don’t do it to others.

Asking someone to meet up too soon or agreeing to it

You saw the picture. You read the bio. But where is it written that you have to ask the person out immediately? Asking someone to go out too soon could scare a potential date off because it might convey an unwanted urgency or a lack of patience on your part, like they are a tool to an end.

Doing this could also give off vibes like a lack of interest in getting to know someone better or that you’re making a decision based solely on how someone looks. Either way, not good.

Posting your worst photo

You don’t want to post a photo that makes you look like an air-brushed movie star, but you also don’t want to look like the Avengers nemesis Red Skull. Post a photo that’s somewhere between fantasy and misrepresented reality, or at least go for something that’s just average and real.

It’s true that you don’t want to hype people up with unrealistic expectations of your looks, but you don’t want to imply with a low-quality picture that you always look like a swamp monster either.

Asking why someone is on a dating app/site

The person you’re messaging is using the dating app for the same reasons you are: they’re single, they’re looking to perhaps start a new relationship, and it sure seemed preferable to speed dating. The reasons why they’re using the app are not super important, at least at the very beginning.

Later on, as you get to know them, the reasons why they’re single will probably just come up as part of getting to know them in normal conversation.

Being too rigid in your thinking

There are a lot of profiles and pictures out there, which means it’s easy to get locked in on specific traits and obsess about finding the perfect person, and that can lead to a sort of digital paralysis. Don’t compromise your core values, but recognize that compatibility and individuality don’t have to cancel each other out.

This is why many people advocate for dropping requirements about things like height, hair color, and so on. People are all unique, and limiting by things like that will make it seem like you are incompatible with someone who would work really well for you.

Being disrespectful

Just because you don’t know the person you’re communicating with doesn’t mean you can be disrespectful, cruel, or insensitive (even though this trend is common online). You’re swiping to find someone you might eventually have a relationship with, so ditch the thought of taking any personal swipes or rude and needless jabs.

It can seem easy to majorly diss someone online because they’re not right in front of you, especially if they were kind of a jerk themselves. Just remember that they’re still a person.

Posting unsolicited nudes

First off, sending nudes to someone who didn’t want them is straight up illegal. Second, it’s disrespectful and degrading to subject someone to looking at something that they did not consent to. Third, some things just shouldn’t be made public; there is a reason they’re called “private parts,” after all.

Remember that while you might think you can take someone by surprise and stun them with your naked beauty, that’s not really what’s going to happen. You’re just going to illegally creep people out.

Stalking someone if you don’t receive a response

If you message someone you think is a perfect match for you and you don’t receive a response, try not to obsess about it too much. Maybe they’ve decided they don’t feel like dating at the moment for whatever reason, or maybe they’re just not into you. Move on to other matches.

You’re not doing yourself any favors by being a creep and lurking around their profile all the time, bombarding them with messages or suddenly showing up on their social media.

Not agreeing to meet in a public place on the first date

First and foremost, meeting in a public place is the safe and definitely most responsible thing to do. It can also help to make your date feel like you actually want to be on a date, engaging in conversation instead of just sitting around at home, in sweatpants, watching a movie.

There’s nothing wrong with chilling at home, but for the first date at least, get out somewhere in public so you can be both safe and engaged.

Giving up after one try

There’s a line between persistence and peskiness. If you reach out to someone and don’t hear back, let a reasonable amount of time pass (several days, maybe a week) before you make another attempt at communication. You really don’t want to bombard people with overwhelming texting, calls, or video requests.

People have lives, commitments, demands, and just plain lousy days when they don’t feel like talking. Try again. But if after the second attempt you don’t get a response, take it as a sign they’re not interested.

Leaving your profile empty

This isn’t a guessing game; in fact, it’s not a game in any sense of the word. Don’t make people try to figure out who you are; tell them what you like to do and who you are as a person. An empty profile is the only thing worse than a boring one.

Why bother playing guessing games and wasting your time and other people’s time when you could just be upfront about yourself right from the start?

Divulging too much personal information

Be very cautious when it comes to handing out personal information before you meet someone. Identity thieves view dating websites as a treasure trove of information that is easy to gather, use, and exploit, so use a separate email address that contains no identifiable personal information like your name or interests.

Also be cautious about using a username you’re familiar with. If your username is the same across Reddit, Instagram, your dating site, and your email or computer, you’re setting yourself up for danger.

Lying

No, your nose won’t grow ten feet long like Pinocchio if you tell a lie, but lying isn’t a good way to start a relationship, and any lies you tell will catch up with you eventually. Answer questionnaires honestly. Don’t exaggerate or fudge facts. Don’t pretend to be something you’re not.

Why bother meeting up with someone who has an entirely incorrect view of you because they believed your lies? That’s just a waste of time, and you’d be disappointed if the tables were turned.

Using the word ‘hey’

Striking up a conversation with “hey” or “what’s up?” isn’t going to cut it; instead, mention something from their profile to show that you actually took the time to read what they put the time in to write. And it will also show that you have a wider vocabulary. Just sayin’.

Most people who hear basic intros like “hey” just immediately tune out, unwilling to put in the effort for pointless small talk. Avoid this by diving in with something more substantial.

Spending too much time chatting online

Don’t remain in the virtual world too long; move on to an in-person meeting to see if you have a real connection. You can’t tell online if you have chemistry with someone, so progress from texting to actual dating. There’s definitely a physical aspect to all relationships, even for those who aren’t interested in sexual intimacy.

Make sure to meet in a safe place, and don’t hop on the in-person meeting right away, but remember that you can’t keep things behind a screen forever.

Sending creepy messages

If you send a creepy message, you’ll be perceived as, well, a creep. Your words are the only representation of you that a potential new partner or friend has, so they will be judged critically and read carefully. This is true even after you meet, but it’s especially important before that in-person meeting.

Keying in on what people look like or other tidbits that you yourself wouldn’t appreciate hearing about over text is a recipe for disaster.

Being Unwilling to Chat

No one wants to feel like they’re messaging a brick wall; dating apps are all about starting up a conversation. True, you don’t owe anyone anything, and you’re not obligated to respond to messages, but always remember that you can stop talking to anyone at any time (or block them, if need be).

So take a leap and message that person who’s piqued your interest. But once you’ve started chatting, keep things flowing. Don’t make it seem like talking to you is harder than pulling teeth.

Obscuring part of your face

No, your sunglasses don’t make you look Kardashian-cool; they just give the impression that you’re trying to obscure your appearance for whatever reason. Leave the facial accessories at home: that means no goggles, Halloween costumes, scuba masks, etc. After all, you’re putting together a profile, not an outfit for a costume ball.

This will not only help people to understand what you look like and what they can expect, but it’ll make it easier for them to find you when you meet up.

 Limiting yourself to talking to just one person

Of course, it would be heavily frowned upon to date multiple people at the same time (even more so if none of the people you’re dating know about the other people you’re seeing). But it’s not the craziest idea to be on more than one dating app at a time.

There’s nothing wrong with making the most of possibilities that allow you to meet more people instead of putting all of your eggs in one basket. 

Providing a dating “rule book”

Here’s a good rule of thumb: don’t set up a bunch of dating rules. Give someone a chance to get to know you, as well as your likes and dislikes, before you start setting ground rules and lists of do’s and don’ts. This should be a time for exploration, not regimentation.

This way, you may end up learning more about yourself and opening up new interests or quirks that you didn’t know about yourself before.

Posting too many pet photos

Heads, you win. Tails, you lose. The person you’re messaging wants to see photos of you, perhaps involved in hobbies or activities you enjoy, not photo after photo of your beloved Fido doing flips for a biscuit. After all, they’re looking to make friends with you or be in a relationship with you, not your pet.

Yes, your pet comes as part of a package deal with you. A few photos are fine. But you need to be in among them somewhere.

Bringing up your baggage right from the get-go

Skip the baggage from the past and pack your bio with tons of information that speaks to who you are: work, education, interests, passions, hobbies, favorite foods, and all the other things that will (hopefully) make someone feel like they would like to get to know you better and hang out.

Your past is an important part of who you are, but that doesn’t mean that you need to frontload a relationship with all that info.

Relying on an “algorithm”

According to a recent study co-authored by psychologist Eli Finkel, algorithms on dating sites just don’t work; in fact, they don’t do very well when it comes to predicting attraction. Apps like Tinder and Bumble offer you a broader dating pool, which, in turn, increases the likelihood of dating success.

So get out there and do the footwork yourself rather than waiting for a mindless program to match you with the person of your dreams.