Lawyers Share The Dumbest Things Their Clients Have Done In Court

Lawyers get paid big bucks to defend their clients. After all, it takes a lot of work to earn a law degree and pass the bar exam. Unfortunately, it doesn’t take a lot of work to be downright dumb…and that’s what lawyers have to deal with more often than they’d like to admit. But in service of their clients, attorneys will tough it out and deal with just about anything.

Sometimes, though, even the best lawyer in the world can’t save some of the dumb clients they represent; from directly admitting guilt to claiming it was the “aliens” who did it, a client can really throw a wrench into an otherwise cut and dry case. The legal workers of the internet didn’t hesitate to share some of the straight-up stupidest things they’ve seen their clients do in court.

A Sleepy Defense

My dad was a lawyer in the Navy. One of his first big cases was defending a guy accused of falling asleep at his post during Vietnam. My dad was all psyched, delivering what he thought was a well-prepared defense to the judge. It was his big moment and also something that he had clearly put a lot of work into…. 

During the hearing, the judge interrupts him. Why does he get interrupted? The guy whom he’s busy defending about a sleeping issue is busy sleeping. The judge asked my dad to turn around and wake up his client. What an utter embarrassment. Maybe this guy had that sickness when you randomly fall asleep and can’t help it. Reddit User: [redacted]

Natural-Born Killer

The one time, I literally had a client wear a t-shirt to a hearing that said “Natural Born Killer.” Let me please point out that he was in for an assault charge, so that definitely wasn’t the image we wanted to be putting out there in front of the court. I’m just amazed at what doesn’t go through a client’s head on the day of the hearing…. 

Anyway, I got him to go to the bathroom and turn the shirt inside out. This made him look really scruffy, but I was stuck between a rock and a hard place on this one. The hearing happens, and he ends up going down for it. But at least it was for actually assaulting someone rather than what his shirt alluded towards. Reddit User: Tortfeasor

We Didn’t Win That Case 

My all-time favorite is a client I had who was charged with driving under the influence (DUI). So it turns out that he then wanted to challenge the charges on the grounds that he didn’t think he was drunk, and the tests were administered improperly. So I say that’s fine, and we end up going with that and arrive at the court hearing….

This man arrived at the court hearing and was completely drunk out of his mind. At his next hearing, he also arrived completely smashed. Both times he got into his car after the hearing and tried to drive away, emphasis on both times. The police promptly stopped him, administered a breathalyzer, and charged him with DUI and related offenses. We didn’t win that case. Reddit User: CoJoetheLawyer

The Odds Weren’t In His Favor

This isn’t a story about one of my clients, but I was on the prosecutor’s side when a defendant failed to appear in court that day. His attorney can’t reach him, nobody knows where on earth he is, so we all end up sitting there in the court for about half an hour until the judge gets sick of it and moves on with the docket….

It turns out we were waiting there for nothing, and of course, there was no way we could have gotten hold of him. Why was this? We found out later that day that the defendant decided to rob a 7-Eleven the night before and was sitting in jail two counties over when he should’ve been in court. Let’s just say he doesn’t have the odds in his favor. Reddit User: AngryPurpleTeddyBear

End of Argument 

So, I had a client show up to a child custody hearing high on something. It was a pretty rough custody battle, even without the drugs being involved. It just went from bad to worse very quickly from when the mother arrived at court. She gets into the court and just starts screaming orders at the judge about the dad of the child….

She screams and then is demanding that her “no-good baby daddy” is drug tested. I asked the judge if we could have a moment, and then I took her in the hallway and told her that if the judge ordered a drug test for the dad, he would have to order one for her. Needless to say she had nothing further to say. End of argument. Reddit User: weinerdog12345

The Stye That Gave It All Away

I worked for the public defender’s office and met a client in jail for a line-up that he had adamantly demanded regarding a crime with multiple witnesses. I met the client for the first time in a separate room to let him know how it would go down and what to expect. They pulled the people for the line-up from the jail population, and despite their best efforts, this was not a huge population…. 

I walked in to meet the client, and he had a stye on his left lower eyelid the size of a golf ball. It was the most identifiable mark on a human’s face I have ever seen. He still demanded the line-up and was identified instantly by every single witness without a shred of doubt in their mind. He still demanded a trial, and the stye was gone by the time the trial commenced. Reddit User: BR0WND0G

Think Before You Speak  

I represent clients before the IRS. I had a couple who owed around $250,000 in back taxes. We had no defense, so the only thing to do was have the clients meet with the IRS and plead for leniency. Well, the wife got arrogant with the IRS agent and at one point stood up and screamed at the agent…. 

Let me preface this by saying that the IRS agent was a pretty decent person and also makes a very middle-class wage. She then screamed, “You’ll take away my Mercedes over my dead body!” Then she stormed out of the conference room. I don’t think her choice of words worked in her favor. Think before you speak, people. Needless to say, she lost the Mercedes. Reddit User: riverrat36605

Didn’t Make It Out of the Courtroom

I’m not a lawyer, but this happened to my dad. He told us this story about something that happened to him in court. My dad was suing a customer for non-payment. The judge ruled in his favor for the whole 15k. The guy he was suing got up to leave but walked over to my dad and said, “If you think you’re going to see a dime of that money, you’re a total moron. I’ll kill you first….”

He then walked away. For a second, my dad was worried the guy would get away with the threat, but he didn’t worry much, because the guy had said it loud enough for the bailiff and the judge to hear. He didn’t make it out of the courtroom. You have to wonder at some people and their lack of an inner voice or sense of timing in life. Reddit User: 10per

The Million-Dollar Facebook Status 

I had been working on a case, and it had literally gone on for years. What had happened was my client was badly injured when she was in a car accident. We had gone for the jugular on this one, and I was sure that she was going to win. I’m talking about a very big win, a win of millions. We were right there….

Then my client decided to go onto Facebook and post a status. The status she posted was about her doing something very active, thus negating the entire case I had worked so hard on. We ended up settling for just $100,000 compared to the millions she should have been awarded. Years of work down the drain in one Facebook status. Reddit User: garishbourne

When Your Phone Rings  

This one still gets me to this very day, and I can’t believe the stupidity. I once had this brilliant gentleman who was on probation for narcotics trafficking. Clearly, this was a serious allegation, and he needed to be on his best behavior at all times. With this probation, he was not permitted to own or use any type of cellphone…. 

It came to the day of his drug test with his probation officer. While he’s at the drug test, they hear a cell phone ringing. The ringing is coming from his pocket. The probation officer reaches into his pocket to check the phone and pulls it out. He doesn’t just pull out a phone, but also a large bag of drugs that he brought to his drug test. Reddit User: underwriter

Even The Judge Facepalmed

This is a story from a friend of mine; he was defending a guy in court, but to be honest, I don’t remember what he was charged with. The main witness for the prosecution was on the stand and was asked if she could identify the defendant. She scanned the courtroom and seemed confused at something. My friend was already silently celebrating…. 

The silent celebration was because if she couldn’t identify him, he could probably get all charges dropped. As he was mentally adding this case to the “win” file, he happened to glance over at his client, who had just helpfully raised his hand to make it easier for her to identify him. Even the judge facepalmed on that one. Reddit User: Jeffbx

The Judge Was Like Oprah 

My law teacher would tell stories about a juvenile court he used to work in that was in one of the more questionable areas of California. Apparently, they had a real problem with defendants coming in with sagging pants and court officials showing up in beach clothes. The judge finally got so fed up with it that he kept a box for this occasion…. 

What was in the box? It was full of rope (for an impromptu belt), and he also kept a box of neckties behind his desk, and he’d begin court proceedings by throwing ample amounts of both over his stand at anyone he felt was in need of them. This judge must have felt like Oprah. You get a bowtie, you get a bowtie, and you all get bowties. Reddit User: [redacted]

The Unsuccessful Bail Application  

I work as a legal aid lawyer in a Canadian province. I’ve had many dumb clients who did many dumb things. One story is when I was doing a trial for a client in a circuit court that was about an hour outside of the city I operate in. The client decides to get a cab out there and tells the driver they’ll pay them when they arrive…. 

My client arrives in this community and gets the driver to stop at a local convenience store across the street from the courthouse. This client proceeds to attempt to steal five 26-ounce bottles of rum and is promptly arrested and taken into custody. The trial is postponed as we spend the day unsuccessfully applying for bail. Reddit User: legalaidthrowaway

Divorce For Dummies

I’m a family lawyer, and I have many funny divorce stories; I know it’s a serious thing in life, but sometimes you have to see the lighter side of it. One of the cases in which a client was seriously foolish happened to be this one. During a divorce case, the ex-husband claimed that he didn’t make much or any money….

He said because of this, he wasn’t able to pay the child support we were asking him to pay. A few hours after receiving this information, he posted a picture on his public Facebook of a wad of cash talking about how “ballin” he was. Needless to say, his claim didn’t hold up after that. Think before you post on social media about how it will affect your real life. Reddit User: dawsonscreekrox

The Judge’s Fan Club

At first appearance, a defendant stood there calmly and quietly when the judge was reading his charges and bond information. When the judge asked if the defendant had any questions, the defendant gave the judge the finger and said a whole bunch of swear words. It went along the lines of, “Screw you, you idiot” and a few other choice words….

He then proceeded to throw down the microphone and walk away. The judge, who had been on the bench for years, replied, “Well, I guess I’ll let you know when my fan club meets.” I know this wasn’t an ideal situation for the defendant, but I absolutely love it when the judges give just as much sass as the people in the courtroom. Reddit User: mhbaker82

Get-Out-of-Jail-Free Card

I’m not a lawyer, but I was in court for a ticket. Apparently, the cop lost the ticket book, so there was no “official” evidence. The judge said that the next 15 on the docket (I was luckily one of the 15) just needed to say not guilty since there was no evidence. One moron got up there and started to argue that he was only going five over, not ten…. 

The judge looked at him and said, “Son, just say not guilty.” The guy again said, “But I wasn’t going that fast.” The judge laughed and repeated again, “Son, just say two words for me: not and guilty.” The guy confused mumbled, “Not guilty?” in the form of a question, and the judge said, “Dismissed.” Everyone in the courtroom laughed and clapped for him. Reddit User: JohnnyBrillcream

When Your Lawyer Knows What’s Best

So I was representing a kid accused of conspiracy to supply drugs. He was accused of acting as a lookout, warning the others whenever the police were approaching. He had a fantastic case, and it looked like he was going to win. On the day of trial, he turned up for the trial wearing a huge t-shirt with the Warner Brothers logo on it…. 

Above and below the WB logo was printed “If you see da pigs…Warn A Brother.” He refused to change. What did he say to me when I asked him again to please change out of this seriously inappropriate t-shirt? “Na bud, no white boy tells me how to dress.” He was convicted. Sometimes your lawyers really do know what’s best for you. Reddit User: scamperthecat

Two Really Bad Clients  

I’m not a lawyer but a legal secretary. It’s illegal to kill crocodiles in Australia, but our client filmed himself and his friends doing it. Funnily enough, they got caught. It was going to be kind of hard to disprove a video that clearly shows the animal being killed and subsequent celebration. Plus there were photos with the carcass. What an idiot….

Another guy robbed the pub he worked for, stole the work loot, drove to the city, went straight to the casino, parked the car in the lot, lost $10,000 playing blackjack, then bought two $500 hookers and was entertaining them when the cops arrested him. There are probably others, but I’ve been doing this for ten years, so they’ve all blurred together. Reddit User: chililily

Some of the Craziest Replies in Court

I’m a law student, but I have internship stories. We had a client who was convicted of murdering his stepson, before passing sentencing, the judge asked if he had anything to say to the court. He replied, “I only messed up when I didn’t kill my wife too.” Life sentence. Another client messed up upon being pulled over and being asked if he had any drugs or alcohol in the car…. 

He voluntarily told the officer that he didn’t but did have the heroin he sold in his hotel room. He then kindly escorted the officer there and gave it to him. We had a client charged with selling cocaine. In order to determine if he qualified for a public defender, the judge asked if he had any way he made an income, and he replied, “Well, you know, from selling drugs.” Reddit User: Wolfman87

Shut Up and Get Out of There

The defendant was at a preliminary hearing for a domestic battery charge. The alleged victim, his wife, girlfriend, or whatever, failed to show up, so the prosecution dropped the case. The judge told the defendant it was his lucky day and asked if the defendant had anything to say about that. At this point, you should really just be quiet and leave….

The defendant started to explain his point of view on what happened and just about talked himself right back into that domestic battery charge. Indeed, if the judge hadn’t been in such a good mood, he might have. Rule of thumb: if your charges get dismissed, shut up and get out of there. That guy got really lucky that day. Reddit User: rdavidson24

To Make Matters Much Worse

I had a client get caught for DUI. The officer didn’t do a good search, so my guy ended up in jail with about 30 pills and a gram of coke. Since he was now afraid of being caught with that stuff in jail, which would be a felony, he snorted a few bumps, took some ecstasy, and gave the rest away. The logic behind this still baffles me….

The deputies suddenly had two dozen guys tripping out in the receiving hall. They did a search, and my idiot client still had the baggies in his pocket. He was also so messed up at that point that he licked one of the sheriff’s deputies, which got him a battery on a peace officer charge tacked on. There is no hope for some people. Reddit User: DimplesWilliams

Do the Paperwork Yourself  

So they pay me thousands in a retainer and then refuse to do even minuscule things to further their case. It would amaze you the number of times people have complained about their billing but have paid me hundreds of dollars an hour to fill out simple forms for them simply because they’re unwilling to do it. I have to call and conference with them and go through each blank on the form….

They simply won’t do it and return it in a timely manner. In more involved divorces, this can cost them thousands when all they need to do is sit down and list their assets/liabilities. You hire an attorney to do the legal work. You can save yourself a ton of money by taking care of everything that doesn’t require legal expertise on your own. Reddit User: SpaghettiSaber

A Whole Lot of Crazy and a Bag of Chips  

I’m not a lawyer, but my dad is. His client was facing the death penalty and wanted to take the stand in his own defense. Basically, the guy was a really crazy guy, and he was probably out of his mind too. Any words that came out of his mouth were six kinds of messed up. My dad and the other three lawyers on his team advised him not to do it…. 

They tried to keep him from testifying for as long as they could. But if a client wants to talk, they can. He got up there and proceeded to read a twelve-page letter. It was just twelve pages of gibberish about how he wasn’t crazy. Obviously, it didn’t go well after that, and now he’s really caused himself an issue, because now he’s on death row. Reddit User: BecauseMagic

The Case of the Saggy Pants

I prosecuted a bank robber once. I think he pled guilty mostly to avoid having me show bank surveillance cam photos to the jury. See, he robbed a bank while wearing those really baggy pants that were once thought to be cool but just really weren’t. He tried to leap over the half-door that separated the teller area from the customer area…. 

The pants came off and tripped him, and he fell on his face. The cameras captured, in exquisite detail, the change in his facial expression from bravado to concern to terror as his pants came off. He was literally willing to plead guilty then and there to spare his ego, I’m guessing. Note to bank robbers: invest in some decent pants for your heists. Reddit User: KenPopehat

The Rule-Breaker Big Mac

I’m telling this story on my mother’s behalf. She was a public defender and once got a client who was charged with reckless endangerment for the nth time; I can’t remember how many. She tells him to be quiet basically, and she will talk to the ADA and see what can be worked out. They end up getting in front of the judge, and the client just starts trying to tell the judge his story…. 

Wherein he complains that he had just stopped at McDonald’s and so he had a Big Mac in one hand and a large Coke in the other hand. His cup holder wasn’t easily accessible, so since both hands were full, he clearly couldn’t control the fact that he was going 90+ on a winding country road with a 30 mph speed limit. Reddit User: Rentiak

Just Look Behind the Bookcase

Well, I’m a criminal defense attorney, so I could probably write a whole book, but this one was pretty bad, and it ended horribly. I co-counseled a murder case where the defendant allegedly, although he’s been convicted already, shot and killed a guy for supposedly taking his sister’s $50 bag of weed. The evidence came out that the sister’s boyfriend had allegedly pistol-whipped the guy…. 

Witnesses said he didn’t fight back. He left the place where he was and walked to some other apartments, where he was gunned down by another person, allegedly the defendant. The sad thing was, after the shooting when the victim was pronounced dead, it came out in trial that the bag of weed was later found, and it had fallen behind a bookcase. Reddit User: 919Esq

Finding a New Crime

A friend of mine was a public defender in the Northeast part of the country. I had a variety of wonderful “dumb client” stories. This was one of my favorite ones. This one involved a burglar who was deaf, so every alarm was a silent alarm as far as he was concerned. Police would show up and find him still rummaging through things…. 

I found this story absolutely ridiculous, so I had to tell my father, who is actually a retired public defender. He came up with a rather interesting suggestion for this guy. He said that if this guy had been one of his clients, that he would have suggested that he get into a different line of crime; I wonder if he’s changed his line of crime yet or is carrying on getting busted by alarms. Reddit User: restricteddata

Smart Enough to Know Better, Too Dumb to Care

I’m not a lawyer, but I am a law student. I had a professor who was a former public defender share this gem: her client was on probation after being released from prison and was riding his motorcycle on the highway when he saw a cop pull over another driver. He decided this was his cue to pull over as well and approach the officer….

He also thought that this was a good time to disclose that he was currently in possession of a knife and drugs, both of which would obviously violate his parole. When she asked him why on earth he would do that, he said, “They were going to find it eventually.” I’m not sure if this actually classifies as a dumb client; he was smart enough to know that. Reddit User: kranzmonkey

Being Taken into Custody

The worst was a person involved in an assault charge that called the alleged victim a horrible person, and other names too, at a preliminary hearing within earshot of one of the courtroom deputies and then gave the judge some attitude when questioned about it. The judge had the deputy handcuff my client to the “taking you into custody” bench….

And my client came this close to being put in jail for contempt. I think I might have been more annoyed than the judge since this was what should have been a routine 15-minute matter turned into an all-morning ordeal. A waste of time and a waste of my energy; you would think people would be aware of the situation and just behave. Reddit User: [redacted]

Mailbox Mouth to Mouth  

I had one client take a deal on a DUI case. After he was taken into custody, his family came up to me and thanked me for helping him with everything and said that they were so happy he was going to get some treatment because his alcoholism was taking a toll on the family. Then they told me about two weeks prior to this arrest…. 

The client had driven home drunk, and while attempting to pull into the driveway, he missed and took out the neighbor’s mailbox. Upon hearing the noise of the crash, the client’s family came outside and found him giving mouth to mouth to the mailbox he’d knocked over. Is there hope for this kind of client? I hope I don’t have to take him on again. Reddit User: mcbreenrl

The Client That Was Taken Down

A fellow attorney was defending a DUI. The client shows up clearly drunk. The lawyer takes him into the hallway, gives him some mints, and tells him that no matter what, he should just keep his mouth shut. He tells the client that he’ll talk to the state attorney and get a continuance. They get in front of the judge, and the judge allows the continuance; all is well…. 

At that point, the client is so drunk that he forgets that it was his own attorney that continued the case, gets mad that the case is continued, and in a loud, booming voice says, “This is rubbish, this is a holdup.” The moment the words “this is a holdup” leave the man’s mouth, the 300-pound court officer standing ten feet away sprints at lightning speed, dives at him, and tackles him to the ground. Reddit User: tardymarty

The Landlord and the Refurbishing

I’m not a lawyer, but I represented myself in small claims against my landlord, trying to keep my deposit. She claimed I did a load of damage to the place, and she had to replace everything and had a builder in to rework the place. She gave me a signed, dated letter for my new place after viewing it herself, saying the place was fine…. 

She also showed her receipt for the furniture she bought, which was a week before she even came to view the apartment. Essentially she was trying to get me to pay for the refurbishment of her place, but her dated receipts for her expenses were all dated before she even saw the place. I won, and good luck to her future tenants who pay for her next refurbish. Reddit User: ridik_ulass

My Client Has a Question

I interned at a public defender’s office, and the chief PD told a story about a client who went to trial by jury on a burglary charge, challenging mostly the identification. The prosecutor called the bank clerk as a witness. After going through the testimony, it came time to identify the client, and the prosecutor asked, “Do you see the person who held you up at the bank here in this courtroom today?”

The clerk looked around, somewhat puzzled. He didn’t recognize the defendant. Slowly, the defendant raised his hand. When we heard this story, one of the other interns said, “What do you even do in that situation?” I responded, “Your Honor, my client has a question.” We had a good laugh about it, but can you imagine that happening? Reddit User: Rebar4Life

Be Honest With Your Attorney  

I’m not a lawyer, but I’ve worked as a paralegal for a while, and I know one of the dumbest things a client can do is to not disclose all the facts to the attorney that’s representing them. I’ve witnessed so many cases that fall apart because pride or whatever else stopped the client from telling the attorney (whom they are paying and with whom they have the attorney/client privilege thing)….

Or they exclude exactly what the facts in their case are, only to get questioned about that very subject while under oath, give an unrehearsed answer that implicates themselves, and effectively kill their own defense. Nine times out of ten, if an attorney knows the real story from the get-go, they can find a way to work around potential landmine questions presented to their client. Reddit User: sec713

The Test You Didn’t Want to Fail  

I sent a friend to a family member of mine who’s an attorney regarding a custody case. He had been swearing for over a year he was clean and on the straight and narrow; he wanted custody of his kids, he would be a better provider for them, a better influence on them and a real father of the year…that type of stuff. The mother wanted to take the kids and move a few thousand miles away to be near her family….

With her being a young mother with two kids and the children’s father not providing any financial assistance whatsoever, she needed help and needed to be near her family. His excuse was that he refused to give her any money because she would go spend it on herself and drugs. They go to court, call each other drug addicts, and the judge drug tests them both. She passes and he fails. Reddit User: did_it_right

Getting Accused of Fraud

I had a workers’ compensation client who was classified as permanently partially disabled, meaning that he made a concession that he can no longer work due to his work-related injuries and would receive weekly benefits from the insurance company for life in addition to medical care. However, after that happened, the client started a construction business for himself, which is a little strange…. 

Can you guess which insurance company he chose for workers’ compensation coverage? You guessed it; it was the very insurance company that was paying for his weekly benefits and medical care. He went on to testify for his employees in their own comp cases. Somehow, the insurance company caught on after a while and accused him of fraud. Reddit User: 42_24

The Worst Haircut in Court

I had a juvie client show up for his sentencing hearing on a charge of carrying a concealed firearm with a brand new haircut. How had he cut his hair? He had a silhouette of a Glock shaved onto the back of his head. I told him that if we managed to keep him out of lockup, he was NOT to turn his head away from the judge….

I told him he was to stare at the judge all the way out the door. Of course, instead, he chose to call the judge a cracker after he got sentenced to juvie probation, turned on his heel to stomp out of court, and got a 15-minute lecture and a resentencing to a commitment program. Ah, public defense. Reddit User: kingbad71

Scene of the Crime  

This was a client on trial for murder. He asks the judge if he can represent himself because co-counsel and I don’t want him to “tell his side of the story.” The judge grants his request and lets him take the stand. Five minutes later, he accuses the prosecutor of committing the crime and goes on to “prove” it by saying he saw the prosecutor entering the building as he was leaving…. 

Until that point, there was no evidence that put him at the actual crime scene. He went on to describe the murder weapon that the “prosecutor” was carrying and to speculate that the “prosecutor” killed the victim because she was cheating on him with another drug dealer. He’s appealing his conviction based on ineffective assistance of counsel. Reddit User: jhn107

Stop Selling Coke

I had a client busted by the cops for trading drugs for a digital camera. She called us from the jail, from the phones that advise the caller and the recipient that they are recording the calls, and said, “Can we get my camera back? You know, the one I got for the coke? The cops took it. It was a good camera.” Guess we’re pleading guilty now…. 

I’m just the assistant, and that’s the message she wanted to leave when I told her the attorney wasn’t in. Most of the time, they would just ask for him to come down and see them. Not this lady. She’s the same one who told the attorney, “I’m tired of going to jail for selling coke.” His response: “Stop selling coke!” Reddit User: cafedream

While some of these outrageous client stories probably left you speechless, you’ll never guess what kinds of defenses lawyers have heard in the courtroom. From claiming a jacket broke a window to straight up admitting to breaking the law, these lawyers share the wildest and worst defenses they’ve ever heard…

People get caught breaking the law all the time. In some cases, they don’t even have to break the law in a major way; a simple violation will suffice. Regardless of the situation, they’ll find themselves in court, having to defend their actions. But a lot of people aren’t truthful. In fact, lawyers have shared a bunch of stories for you today that you won’t believe.

Over their years of work, attorneys have come face to face with the worst defenses known to man: everything from people who accidentally admitted their crimes while trying to lie to those who have blamed their clothing for their wrongdoings. There’s even a case where people blamed the 4^th of July for them being “free” to commit a crime. If you’d like to take a look at these wacky defenses, keep reading.

Bad Representation

I was the bailiff on a kidnapping case where the defendant was Pro-Per (acting as his own attorney). During the jury selection, he had the option to wear civilian clothing instead of his jail clothes, but he chose to remain in his jail attire, complete with handcuffs and waist restraints. It came time for him to cross-examine the victim….

Understandably, the man he had kidnapped was very upset before he even started. He was furious and refused to look at his kidnapper. The defendant’s first question went like this: “You seem upset. Does it make you nervous to be questioned by the person that kidnapped you?” You could hear a pin drop in that courtroom. He was found guilty (obviously) and sentenced to 16 years in prison. Reddit user: Mac1822

Talking Back to the Judge

A guy was in court for a DUI, and he insisted on taking the stand when his lawyer advised him not to. So it turned out, he wanted the judge to know that the cop who arrested him was “just some rude kid trying to be a bigshot” and that he wasn’t even tipsy since he’d only had two bottles of wine with dinner. His lawyer interrupted him to try to get him to stop talking, and he told his lawyer to shut up….

Then the judge advised him to listen to his lawyer. But he told the judge, “I’m not a child, don’t interrupt me.” The judge just smiled, sat back, and said, “Please, proceed.” We all knew it was over for this guy. He got maxed on the charge and was advised that in the future, if he was going to pay for a lawyer, he should listen to him. Reddit user:  McFeely_Smackup

But Not in Possession…

As a public defender, you’re thrown into a lot of bad cases with little hope of winning and with very little time to win them. My approach was to make any argument within the ethical rules that govern attorneys. Which led me to a hilarious court appearance. My client was charged with possession of a certain green substance; it’s a misdemeanor first offense that carries no jail time in my state….

My client and his friend are smoking in a park, some citizen reports it to the police, and the cops come and find them in their car after smoking.  My client admits to the cop that he was smoking. Obviously, I’m thinking he’s got no defense here. The 0ther guy admits to smoking and gives the police the paraphernalia from his backpack. The entirety of the evidence was the admission and the physical evidence….

So, I argue at trial (bench trial, no jury), with zero expectation of winning, that the state failed to prove my client ever possessed it. “Your honor, for all we know, the other guy at all times had possession of the items. For all we know, he held the pipe to my client’s lips and lit it for him.” A discussion among myself, the judge, and the prosecutor ensues re: can you smoke and not be in possession? I got the decision a few months later: not guilty. Reddit user: PapitoDestino

Not a Solicitor

I knew a guy that was charged with soliciting. I won’t get into the morality of pimping, because that’s another subject entirely, but they caught him watching over one of his “girls” in a car, and the officer brought him in. He tried to put up a fight and act like he didn’t know who the woman was, but she ratted him out….

When he got to court, his defense was that he wasn’t a pimp. He was sincere that that was not his occupation, but rather, he was a rapper and a dealer. Everyone was stunned. Like, why on earth would you admit to being a dealer right in front of the judge? They threw the book at him with like 20-26 years. Reddit user: [redacted]

Too Close for Comfort

I gave testimony as a health professional in a child custody case. The mother wanted to revoke the father’s joint physical custody of the eight-year old girl. The issue was that the girl was asked to clip the father’s toenails, apply lotion, and clean his belly button jam, among other things. Not only was it gross, but she was eight freaking years old….

The father’s case was that he was obese, fatigued, suffering from frequent diarrhea, and taxed to take care of his own hygiene without assistance. According to him, it was acceptable for her to do this. He also argued that it taught her a lesson about compassion and caring for those unable to do so themselves and helped them to bond.  Truly incredible. Reddit user: Voc1Vic2

Well, It’s Not Legal

Recently, there was a court case over whether certain companies in Colorado had to pay overtime. Federal law says yes, you have to pay hourly employees overtime, but the companies didn’t want to. In fact, the lawyers for the company argued that since their products were federally illegal, federal overtime laws didn’t apply. No one could believe their audacity, and no one knew what would happen….

The company’s attorneys then moved to dismiss the case on the grounds that a federal court had no jurisdiction to hear the case “because Colorado’s recreational industry is in violation of the Controlled Substances Act.” “I’m already breaking one law, so the rest of them don’t apply” is the hottest legal take I’ve heard in a while. They didn’t win. Reddit user: persondude27

Keeping It Up

I once attended a domestic case where a man was accused of grossly neglecting his wife and her, umm, needs. For one, the couple was in their late 70s or early 80s and had been married since they were in their twenties. They were both retired and had several grandkids. According to the husband, they were trying to take things slow, but the wife wasn’t having it….

When he was asked if he did indeed neglect his wife, the husband started complaining that he was “old as heck” and surely she couldn’t expect him to be able to keep this kind of lifestyle up for much longer. She was frustrated and decided to bring him to court to see if a judge could help. It was the most hilarious thing I’d ever seen. Reddit user: [redacted]

Get to Court Early…

I once sat in a courtroom where this man tried to use one of our country’s greatest holidays to excuse his vices. He stood there in front of the judge and said, “It was Independence Day, your honor. A day to celebrate the freedoms that our forefathers fought and died for. A day to celebrate what this country is. So yes, judge, I DID do some not-so-legal substances. For freedom….”

This was in a drug treatment court. The judge chuckled and just said don’t be stupid. The kicker is that all the defendants were in one room, waiting to go one after the other. And so, the next five defendants tried the same thing, and the judge threw the book progressively harder. The key here is: get to court early so your BS excuse is first. Reddit user: ShutrukNahhunte

I Had an Emergency

I took a guy to small claims court. Basically, I bought something from a man who said he had a processor that I really wanted. He seemed reliable, but he ended up taking my money and never shipping the item to me, even though I warned him that I would take him to court if he didn’t. And that’s how we ended up here….

His defense was, “I didn’t have the product, so I couldn’t ship it to him, obviously.” The judge was like, “But you took his money?” The guy said, “Yeah, so I could buy the product and ship it to him.” So then the judge asked, “Did you do that?” To which the guy responded, “Not yet.” Then the judge asked him whether he had my money. The man had the nerve to say, “No, I had had an emergency and had to spend it.” That was that; I won. Reddit user: Looter629

Yours or the Thief’s?

I was on a jury some years ago in a case where a man stole a woman’s vehicle. It turns out that he had been doing this for a while now and had only been caught because the woman was able to properly ID him. During the jury selection phase, the defense attorney offered a hypothetical as a preface to one of his screening questions….

“It’s winter, and you go outside and start your car to warm it up. You go back inside for a few minutes. When you go back out to get in your car, you see that it’s been stolen. You left your car unattended and running. Whose fault is it that your car was stolen: yours or the thief’s?” Reddit user: Col_hessenfeffer

“Old” DUIs

I overheard this guy tell the officer that yes, his CAR license was suspended but his (I don’t remember the correct terminology) driving truck one wasn’t, and neither was his mo-ped license. Three people and the judge tried to explain that a suspended license means he’d lost his privilege to drive in general and altogether. At least until he made his wrongdoing right….

He kept fighting it and saying he wasn’t fixing anything because he was now driving a mo-ped, which, according to him, wasn’t a “real vehicle,” and that license was still okay. He also came out and said that the only reason his license was suspended in the first place was because of several “old” DUIs. Can you believe that? Reddit user: shesdressedtokill

But What If…

This wasn’t legit court, just court to change my last name. I was 14 years old and wanted to change my last name to my (amazing) stepdad’s. My biological father, who was not then (or ever) in my life and had never done anything for me, had to be present for the appointment and sign off on it. It went something like this:

Judge: “Ok, if everyone will sign here, your name will be changed.” Bio-dad: “I’m not signing it.” Judge: “Why not?” Bio-dad: “What if she gets pregnant out of wedlock? I want the baby to have my last name.” Reminder that I was 14 years old, had never even kissed a boy, and hadn’t spoken to my dad in at least five years. The judge told him that was an irrelevant point and convinced him to sign the paper. I was glad to leave that part of my life behind me that day. Reddit user:  r311im507

I Couldn’t Lose Another Job

I was in court for a traffic violation in the state of Florida. I was sitting with a room full of people who were also contesting their tickets. There was a lady who looked like she was a waitress who got up to make her case in front of the judge. She point-blank told the judge in front of the officer who ticketed her that her violation was “nonsense from a know-it-all cop….”

The judge then questioned the officer. “Your honor, the defendant’s car was going 75 on a 35-limit road and ran several stoplights.” The judge asked why those charges were unreasonable. Her answer was parody-level. “I was drinking last night and woke up late. I couldn’t lose another job, so I needed to be on time.” She ended up paying $500 for wasting the judge’s time in addition to her tickets. Reddit user: GunSlinger_A138

My Girlfriends Need Me More

We had a guy in court when I worked in CPS who neglected his children all the time. In court, he asked the judge if he could explain why he was leaving his kids alone for so long and why he refused to allow them to see their mom (who was a great parent, by the way). The judge was like, “Whatever, go for it.” I was expecting him to give some sad story about how hard life is for him, but that’s not what he did….

He proceeded to tell everyone that he had three girlfriends (all three of them knew about each other) who needed him more than his kids, then there was the matter of the parties he simply had to go to every night. The entire courtroom was like, “Holy crap dude….” And that’s how I got quite possibly the easiest child removal to date (they went to the mom). Reddit user: Hyperion999999

But I Do It All the Time

I was in traffic court, and the first guy to go before the judge got pulled over doing some crazy speed, like 140 mph. The judge essentially told the guy to say he wouldn’t ever do it again and that it was a mistake, and in return, the judge would drop the ticket fee and the points on his record. Which was a pretty sweet deal if you ask me….

The guy countered with, “Well, I drive that fast all the time, so I’m really good at it, and I don’t think it was dangerous at all because of how good of a driver I am.” I sat there stunned. The guy could’ve walked out totally free, but instead got a $2500 fine and 2 points on his record for his cheek. Reddit user: [redacted]

A Change of Tune

I saw this go down while waiting for my traffic ticket. The judge said, “So, you were seen pulling a stop sign out of the ground and throwing it in the river.” To which the accused replied, “Yes, sir.” So, the judge asked him whether he was drinking, to which he replied, “No, sir.”  But then the judge said, “The ticket says you were intoxicated.” At which point the accused denied that claim….

The judge said, “OK, let’s say I believe you. I will throw out this drunken disorderly charge, but I will have to charge you with the destruction of government property and endangering the public. That comes with at least a year in jail. So, I’ll ask one more time. Were you drunk?” The accused, at this point, did not even hesitate and replied with, “Yes, sir. Very drunk, sir.” Reddit user: Ebice42

No Proof

I was a juror for a case against a woman that was charged with selling stolen designer accessories to a pawnbroker (this was her third offense). She took the stand and admitted to “finding” the items at a friend’s house and taking them to the pawnbroker. Her attorney’s entire closing argument was that the state failed to prove that she had actually stolen them and the charges should be dropped….

Never mind the fact that she admitted it and that the woman who owned the stuff had everything right there in front of us. The defense said that because no one had placed items in the handbags, there was no proof that they were really bags. And of course, as soon as we got back to the room to deliberate, one of the other jurors said he was not convinced it was a real handbag. Reddit user: Redfish1971

It’s Not Criminal, It’s Civil

I saw a guy on trial once for (I don’t know the exact legal term) failing to comply with a court ruling. So basically, the guy went to civil court and lost and was told to do something: I think pay a fine to the defendant. He didn’t do it and was brought to criminal court and chose to represent himself….

He rather smugly pointed out to the judge that the fine he failed to pay was a civil matter and “why are we even in a criminal court?” The judge calmly explained to him that the original matter may have been civil, but that that matter was already settled, and failure to comply with a court ruling was a criminal matter, and that’s why we’re here today….

His entire defense seemed to be reliant on that one argument, and when it failed, he had nothing to fall back on and asked for a public defender. He ended up losing anyway. Reddit user: NotThatJaredBlack

I’m Not Insane

I had an old friend who was an “official” in rural Southeasternville. The judge goes, “It says here, Mr. Alleged Criminal, that you intend to enter a plea of insanity. Is that correct?” The accused, with the biggest smile ever on his face, responds, “Yes, your honor.” So the judge asks him, “And do you, Mr. Alleged Criminal, believe that you are insane?”

The accused, still with the smile, says, “No, your honor, but he does” as he nonchalantly points at the empty chair to his left. Everyone just stares at the chair for a good ten seconds before the case continues. It’s really kind of hard to argue with that…logic. It might have been the worst-best defense I’ve ever seen. It didn’t work. Reddit user: ThrowbobAwaypants

She Had No Idea

The defendant was charged with possession after paraphernalia was found in her car. An element of that crime is that the defendant knew that they were in possession. At the preliminary, her attorney had her take the stand, and she testified that she had a terrible love-hate relationship with the substance and had been to rehab a bunch of times with no success….

During his closing, the attorney argued that his client was such a failure when it came to staying clean that she couldn’t have possibly known she was in possession, otherwise she would have used it all, and the police would have never found it. I was completely stunned. This novel argument, while probably true, failed to win the day. Reddit user: OttoGershwitz

To Get My Heart Medicine

This happened in traffic court one time. An elderly gentleman was pulled over by the police for not wearing his seatbelt and swerving erratically. He told the judge that he needed to remove his seatbelt so he could reach his heart medicine because he was having chest pains at the time. Considering his age, it was very understandable and not an all unlikely….

But the judge looked at him like he had three heads and asked (roughly), “So you thought you were having a heart attack, and instead of pulling off the road, you removed your seatbelt so you could fumble through your glovebox trying to find your medicine?” He remained speechless for a full minute, and it was very clear that he was lying. Reddit user: davedank

Going Down in Flames

This is not the exact wording, but this is what happened in court roughly 5 years ago. The judge asked, “Did you drive through a red signal?” To which the defendant said she “technically didn’t.” The judge then asked her to explain. She said, “I think it was yellow when I drove through it.” The judge, a bit taken aback, said, “So you’re saying it wasn’t a red light when you drove through the intersection?”

The defendant, apparently tired of the questioning, said, “Screw this; it wasn’t me driving at the time, but my boyfriend would have had his license suspended for one more infraction, so I took the fall.” The judge said, “You understand that admitting to falsely claiming responsibility for this has a heavier penalty than the actual infraction?” To which the defendant said, “Ok, I was the one driving….”

The judge then announced, “Let the court note that the defendant has given inconsistent testimony, and we’re postponing this case for further investigation.” Basically, she screwed herself and probably the boyfriend with the flip-flopping. Reddit user: f00dMonsta

A Myriad of Excuses

I remember going with my mom to court for some petty traffic ticket she had incurred when she was feeling particularly speedy.  It was a mass of people all waiting to talk to the judge about their tickets, and halfway in, one lady walks up for a ticket for not stopping at a red light. I think she was one of about 10 who had that exact offense….

She first said that the light was yellow, then said okay it was red, then said the law doesn’t apply because she was on a bike, not a car. The judge laughed, and some of the other people in there (including my mom) laughed under their breath. She left with a bright red face, and she had to pay the ticket in full. Reddit user: trinitystars

The Pillow Fight

I went to court with a friend of mine against her ex-husband who almost knocked her out with a pillow. His defense was, “I didn’t use that pillow that she brought, I used this one” as he presented a soft, fluffy one in contrast to her foam pillow. It was crazy that they were in there to begin with and that this was an actual case, but it was….

The judge refused to allow the charge to go forward for indictment and threw out her restraining order against him that day too. She could only appeal the restraining order being dropped, not the charge. It was weird and unfortunate all at the same time. On the bright side, she got the restraining order back on, and they stayed away from each other. Reddit user: Cursethewind

Hunting Tales

I’ve seen many crazy things pass through a courtroom, but there are two that I can think of, and both of them were hunting cases. Once, a guy shot a horse out from under another man who was riding it.  He told the judge he thought it was a moose. The judge asked why he was shooting a moose when he had a deer license. He lost the case….

Story two: in Montana, a poor one-armed guy’s truck broke down, and he was walking. He stopped to rest on a tree stump and light up a cigarette. A hunter shot off his other arm in the process and told the judge he thought it was a bear. The judge asked him how many times he had seen bears smoking and sitting on a stump. He lost his case too. Reddit user: zephyer19

We Didn’t Do It

I was in court for a speeding ticket and witnessed two brothers who had been ordered to appear and pass a drug test. They had over 30 days to be clean. They knew this the whole time. They tested positive. The judge looked at them and asked, “What am I supposed to do for you here? You had a chance to go free if you could pass one test and you failed….”

They tried to claim that they hadn’t smoked and were just around roommates that smoke a lot. Anyhow, the judge basically said, “That’s not possible, but knowing you had 30 days to be clean for this test, you shouldn’t have been near people who were smoking anyway.” They went to jail for two days for “direct contempt of court.” Reddit user: ironman288

Wrong House!

One time, I heard the funniest story about a guy who was on breaking and entering charges that got caught red-handed by police. The officers caught wind of his activity and stood behind him, watching him trying to break through a door of a factory with the typical breaking and entering tool kit (screwdriver, hammer, etc.) in the middle of the night….

Well, they tapped him on the shoulder, and he nearly had a heart attack. They arrested him, and he landed in court. His defense was that he was a handyman that went to the wrong address. The judge even said to him, “Do you expect anyone with half a brain to believe that rubbish? You need to stop stealing and get your life together.” Reddit user: [redacted]

A Hypnotic State

A college friend of mine was in San Francisco with his girlfriend on vacation for a weekend. They went to hang out on the beach at night as sort of a romantic date. It turned out that there were men there looking for trouble, and they ended up hurting my friend and his girlfriend. They walked away with a few scratches….

But they were all caught: four of them. When they appeared before the judge, their excuse was the dumbest thing I’d ever heard. Their defense in court was that Coolio’s song “Gangsta’s Paradise” had driven them into a hypnotic state, causing their judgment to be impaired. And that’s why they tried to rob and hurt my friends. They did NOT win. Reddit user: abeuscher

12 Chickens

This didn’t happen in a court but in the back of a police car. It’s not quite a defense, but a defense he didn’t really want to use. A guy I worked with told me this tale. A lifelong petty criminal was once arrested on a Saturday morning for burgling the news agents the previous evening. He hadn’t done it, but he knew he was in a pickle….

His record was long as your arm, and he had an alibi he couldn’t use; at the time, he was burgling the butcher’s. As the police drove him to the station, his mind was racing with the possibility that he was going down again. At that very moment, the car was passing the butcher’s, and a policeman said, “And you nicked 16 chickens out of there too.” With lightning reflexes, he blurted out, “No it wasn’t. It was 12.” Oh no! Nicked! Guilty! He went down for six months. Reddit user: Chaoscollective

I Didn’t See the Truck

I got rear-ended by a lady with a baby on a rainy night. I stopped at a green light because there was a fire truck coming through the intersection with all its lights and sirens going. My guess was that she was looking at the baby in addition to following too close for the conditions. She decided to contest the ticket, so we had to go to court…..

Her excuse was that she didn’t see the fire truck until after she hit me, therefore I should not have stopped for it. The judge was so angry at all the no-shows that basically anyone who actually showed up got off, so she got out of the ticket. I still can’t believe that excuse worked, and it was probably 20 years ago at this point. Reddit user: yazoosirius

Dogs and Fermentation

This isn’t my story, but my favorite that I heard in the past. Some lady who was already on probation for DUI got pulled over driving under the influence, again. Her defense didn’t argue the blood alcohol levels, which were recorded, but instead argued that she hadn’t drunk; she was diabetic and had an open cut on her forearm, which her dog licked while riding shotgun….

They said that the yeast in the dog’s saliva began to ferment the sugar in her bloodstream, which registered as alcohol. I can’t decide if that defense is so utterly bad that she deserves an extra penalty or whether it’s so original that maybe she should take a lighter charge. Blows my mind every time I think about it. Reddit user: -domi-

For Apple Pie

One time, I was waiting my turn in small claims court, and the guy ahead of me was a mechanic who was being sued by three different customers because he wouldn’t give them their cars back. Yes, he kept the vehicles that the people had brought to him to fix. If that wasn’t mind-blowing enough, then his defense will have you on the floor….

The first was a lady in her mid-20s; she explained that she had already paid for the repairs, but he still had her car locked up. The judge asked him, “She paid you, why do you still have her car?” and that mechanic looked him square in the eye and said, “Our arrangement was that I would fix her car in exchange for her apple pie!” Reddit user: MeesterPoot

Boxed in by a Gang

I once sat in on the trial of two guys accused of pickpocketing on the London Underground, the train system of the capital. They tried to rob someone who was just as street smart as they were and had not only both gotten black eyes, but also caught by the police after they were hogtied right there at the train station….

Their defense was that they could not have gotten close enough to the victims to pick their pockets, because they had been boxed in against the doors of the train by a gang of midgets. A gang of midgets. About five minutes later, they’d both been convicted, and their respective extensive criminal records were being read out to the court for sentencing purposes. Reddit user: cicisbeette

Here and Here

This was a story from a relative who used to be a police constable. There was a guy suing someone else after a traffic accident and claimed that the movement of his arm was permanently reduced because of the way he was hit. The judge didn’t believe him for one bit; nobody did really, and so the judge asked him how high he could lift his arm….

He ‘grimaced’ as he painstakingly raised his arm before saying, “Here”; for reference, the same height as his shoulder. The judge gave a slight smirk and asked him how high he could lift his arm before. The guy lifted his arm all the way up and exclaimed, “Here!” The case got thrown out, as you can imagine. Reddit user: Pesoot3

Where There’s Smoke…

My dad and stepmom were married for about ten years before things came to a screeching halt and they decided to end things. During their divorce, my stepmom (who never adopted me; my mom died) was trying to get partial custody with my dad. The judge said I was 15, so it was up to me how much contact I had with her….

She complained that I never rode in her car anymore because dad was brainwashing me against her. My dad reminded her that she had started smoking since the divorce started and I couldn’t breathe in her car. She announced to the judge that she only started smoking because she hoped it would get my dad to start again and she could prove he was an addict. The judge gave him full custody. Reddit user: girlybandgeek

So, It’s a Commune

My ex-wife petitioned the court to allow her to move several states away with our two children to live in a hippie commune. Some gems from my cross-examination of her and her girlfriend include: Me: “So you’ve never actually met these people in person and don’t have a guaranteed spot in their community. What happens if you get there and they deny you?”

Girlfriend: “We will come back.” Me: “But you just said you only have enough money saved to get there. How will you get back?” Girlfriend: “We will figure it out.” The judge then calls the kids’ mom, my ex, as a witness. “I assume you have some questions prepared for your witness’s testimony?” My ex: “No, but he (nods toward me) probably does….”

Me: “So, is this a commune? I have concerns about my kids living in a commune.” My ex: “No, it’s not a commune. It’s a self-sustaining, off-grid, communal living group.” Me: “So…a commune?” The judge visibly stifled her laughter. Reddit user: Braynedehd

I Gotta Go!

I’ve been known to get into minor problems with the law. Meaning parking and speeding tickets; nothing crazy that could land me in federal with the hardcore guys. Once, I told the judge I had diarrhea, trying to get out of one of my speeding tickets. The officer testified that I did, in fact, tell him this when he pulled me over….

But the officer also said that as soon as he went back to his car, he could visibly see me stop acting (rocking back and forth like I had to GO really bad!) from his car. Everyone in the court laughed at me. I got the ticket. I know. I’m an idiot. To be fair, I was 16. Reddit user: [redacted]

My Jacket Did It

A ding dong friend of mine from high school ended up on Judge Judy a couple of years after I graduated (I’m not sure he graduated; in fact, I’m pretty positive he didn’t). All he said about it is that Judge Judy called him a loser.  I never saw the episode until years later when I was flipping channels and stopped on the right channel by complete chance….

He was there because he was being sued for his neighbor’s broken window after a party at his house; he was swinging his leather jacket around and a button or zipper broke it. His defense was, “I didn’t break it.” Judy: “If you didn’t break it, who did?” Friend: “My jacket broke it.” She said, “Mr. (last name), you ahh a looosaaahh!!!” and ruled for the plaintiff in the amount of the window repairs. Reddit user: kirksucks

Breaking the Law by Not Breaking the Law

Not so much a defense for the accused as it was a witness (police officer) defending why he pulled over a driver. This was at a local magistrate court, where they handle things like traffic tickets and minor criminal cases. The guy was charged with having some obscenely small amount of a substance that was, however, not legal in the jurisdiction….

The officer is asked why he pulled over the driver. And the cop says the driver was ‘suspicious.’ The defendant, acting as his own counsel, asks how/what he was doing that was suspicious. The officer responds that the driver was on a secluded roadway at 2 am and was not speeding. The defendant basically says, “So, your basis of having probable cause that I am breaking the law is the very fact that I am not breaking the law?”

The officer responds, “Yes. Everyone else out on that road at that time of night is speeding. The fact you weren’t was suspicious.” You gotta love small-town cops tasked with generating revenue. Luckily, the judge wasn’t having any of it. He dismissed the case and publicly chastised the cop. Reddit user: RasputinsAssassins

A Funny Cross-Examination

I was in court waiting to mention my case, and there was a very short contest underway. The police came across two men on the street fighting with each other and wrestling on the ground. Police separated the two males and began to search them. They got the first male to unzip his coat, and they found a small bag of green stuff in his inside pocket. He was charged with possession but decided to fight it….

His defense? The other guy must have slipped the stuff into his inside pocket while they were wrestling on the ground. I’ll never forget the solicitor cross-examining the police officer and genuinely asking him, “Apart from the fact that the stuff was in his pocket, what other evidence do you have that he was in possession?” He still lost. Reddit user: DropkickMorgan

While some of these defenses probably had you rolling on the floor laughing, wait until you hear about the kinds of clients these lawyers have had to deal with. From a grown man who steals magic cards to someone who wrote a song about his crimes while he was sitting in jail and awaiting trial, these lawyers don’t hold anything back about the crazy clients and cases they’ve had to defend…

Lawyers dedicate years of their lives to studying and understanding the ins and outs of the law. Even after passing the bar, they must work to stay abreast with ongoing changes throughout the legal system. While some attorneys represent clients in personal injury lawsuits or wrongful death cases, others help people through divorce or bankruptcy. The typical lawyer often depicted in media is usually seen fighting for an innocent client – to keep him or her out of jail after being accused of a crime.

These professionals studied for years in order to make an honest living helping people, but sometimes it simply doesn’t work out that way. More frequently than they probably prefer, lawyers end up defending people in ludicrous cases. For instance, some sue-happy clients feel they deserve money for the slightest inconveniences. To add insult to injury, these same clients can be wildly naïve to the law, or downright ignorant – even to their own situations. Lawyers might make big bucks, but it’s still not worth any sane person’s while to put up with some of these crazy cases…

Wrong Type Of Lawyer

One lawyer received a call from a client he had represented in the past, wanting help for her son who was looking to get married. The issue was that because the young man’s wife-to-be was under 18, she needed permission from her parents. Naturally, they wouldn’t give permission. Our lawyer felt a bit unsettled at this point, but it was his duty to be unbiased, after all.

After chatting for a bit, the woman informed the lawyer that the situation happened to be urgent, seeing as the girl was pregnant. His response was, “Wait. How old did you say she was?” When the mother informed him that the girl was fourteen years old, the lawyer quickly followed up with, “And how old is your son?” As soon as he learned that the son was 20, he told the woman, “You need to immediately hire a criminal defense lawyer to help you with this.” Reddit User: vespolina12

The Information Is There

My family members once sued me for taking down their website. Turns out that I created the website and even hosted the website. I had no problem doing it since they were family, and it ran on my server. Unfortunately, they eventually started receiving too much traffic. Around the same time, they started being very hostile to my parents, so I took down their site. I followed up with a letter about how families ought to treat one another, along with a password zip of all their files.

The password was at the bottom of the letter, which meant they had to read the letter to find the password. They tried to sue me for six figures, claiming that I’d done irreparable damage to their site to the point where it couldn’t be brought back online. When they showed me the documents they had on the stand, I laughed and informed the judge that these were the documents that my family members had claimed they didn’t receive or couldn’t open. While these documents contained all the information necessary to get their site live again, something tells me they might never figure it out. Reddit User: RandomFromHawaii

The Need For Magic Cards 

As a public defender, I defended a grown man accused of stealing magic cards from Walmart. Evidence included an hour-long security video clearly showing, from dozens of angles, that he had picked up sets of cards, unwrapped them, and discarded the wrappers around the store. Although it was painfully obvious he had stolen, he insisted on his innocence.

We actually went to a jury trial, which was done instead of securing a plea deal. It took the jury eight minutes to convict my client, and the judge laid into him, telling him he was the worst thief he’d ever seen. Of course, I can’t forget the best part: at one point in the trial, I spent 45 minutes explaining to the judge what magic cards were. For the life of him, he couldn’t understand why anyone needed a single deck of magic cards, let alone multiple. Reddit User: mountaineer5710

Speaking In Quotes 

When I was a trainee solicitor, my principal had a guy come in who spoke almost exclusively in quotes from US Presidents. I was pretty unbothered by him, until 30 minutes into his meeting with my principal, my principal wandered into my office totally exasperated and sealed my fate. She basically said, “Hey, you’re a patient man – find out what this loon actually wants. It’ll be a good first case evaluation for you to handle by yourself.”

I spent two hours listening to him talk. Literally, every other sentence began with, “As Woodrow Wilson once said…” or, “As Grover Cleveland once said…” Feeling exhausted, I finally explained how much the meeting was costing him. He visibly sagged and blurted out, like a naughty child, “I poured bleach on the roots of my neighbor’s tree, and it fell onto my greenhouse. Can you make him pay for the repairs?” Reddit User: Crow eggs

Some Buried Treasure 

As a lawyer in a small town, I mostly do estate planning, probate, old people stuff, etc. I have a client that sued his ex-wife for not selling the house after the divorce like she had agreed to. The judge held her in contempt and asked what he wanted my client to do. This culminated in her being thrown in jail at 80 years old.

The client also has something valuable buried on his property for his grandchildren after he dies. I have a sealed letter in my desk that he pays me a good sum each month to hold onto and eventually give to his grandson once my client dies. I’m so curious as to what on earth it could be, and I honestly can’t wait to find out. It sounds bad, I know. Reddit User: Terevok

Trying To Do Some Good 

I had a fellow call my office and tell me he wanted our firm to handle negotiations with some of the big companies in the vinyl siding industry. Assuming he had some new product he wanted to sell or license, I was surprised when he disclosed that he’d discovered a defect in the vinyl siding, and actually wanted us to demand a large sum of money from these companies.

The guy turned the whole thing into an ultimatum when he otherwise threatened to disclose this defect to the news. As it turns out, he was a day laborer that had just recently been assigned to a construction project and “discovered” you can cut vinyl house siding with a sharp knife. The siding is supposed to be installed over a plywood backing, but his boss had told him to skip putting up the backing panels to save money. Basically his employer was scamming customers. Reddit User: [redacted]

Pulling A Rabbit Out Of A Hat 

While I was working at a plaintiff’s employment firm, I had two memorable consults came in.  The first was a guy who got fired for being late too much, and he wanted to sue for discrimination. His reasoning was that he had a sugar addiction and needed to stop at the local convenience shop for a slushie before each shift began. As a result, he often missed the bus.

The second situation involved a woman who was terminated from her bus driving gig during the probationary period. She was in three accidents in six weeks. Yet, she wanted to sue for discrimination because she suffered from anxiety and even needed a therapy rabbit. All the while she was sitting at the conference room table, she never stopped petting that therapy bunny. Reddit User: nylaw2013

When You’re Not Sure How You Won 

One guy was hurt offshore – a legit injury – but because his drilling company won’t settle, it goes to trial. The guy is from some small rural town in East Texas, and that was where the trial was set. During one of his depositions, our client shows up in a t-shirt that has a silhouette of a woman dangling from a stripper pole. At the bottom, there is text that says, “I support single mothers.”

Eventually we go to trial, and just as we’re about to start, the client says, “I was hoping we didn’t get this judge.” Our lawyer thinks the comment is strange and asks him why he hoped that. Apparently, the client killed the judge’s nephew or something during a breaking and entering via the stand your ground doctrine a few years prior. We won the case, but I’m still not sure how. Reddit User: gcbeehler5

A Prostitute And 21 Cats 

I worked on a custody dispute between a mother and grandmother, where both sides were absolutely outraged by the others’ claims. The mother was very upset after being accused of stripping, responding with, “I was a prostitute, but I was never a stripper!” The grandmother, in return, was furious that she was alleged to have 21 cats in her 2-bedroom apartment.

Naturally, the grandmother had her own special comeback to the allegation, saying that, “We only have 17 cats! How dare she flat-out lie and say that we have 21 cats.” The child ended up living with the father in a different state. Hopefully this is a far better outcome than living with the prostitute or the however many cats. Reddit User: pippin69

The Ethics Of Life

A company wants me to “patent” their competitor’s slogan, arguing it has no trademark registration. When I explained to them a slogan is not protectable by patent, that slogans cannot be deposited for trademark registration, and that patents and trademarks are two very distinct forms of monopoly, they asked me to apply for a “generic intellectual property” over the slogan….

I then proceeded to explain there is no generic Intellectual Property, and that, although there would be ways to protect that subject matter, not every IP right is acquired through registration. The competitor holds protection over the slogan, and thus, their request is majorly unlawful. I told them so, but they did not budge.  I ended up teaching a lesson about ethics that day. Reddit User: Caucasian_Male

911, What’s Your Emergency? 

When I was in law school, I clerked with a solo practitioner. Our client wanted to go to trial over a charge of impersonating a police officer. One night our client got drunk and ordered a pizza for delivery. It can be frustrating to wait forever for that glorious, delicious pizza, especially in an inebriated state of mind. Well, this guy’s genius idea was to speed things up for himself.

The client called the pizzeria back and told them he was a police officer, and if they don’t hurry it up, there would be trouble. The guy who answered the phone at the pizza joint was a volunteer firefighter and asked for our client’s name because he knew all the police officers in that town. When our client gave him his real name, it inevitably turned out that he was not, in fact, a police officer. Reddit User: gent–Orange

This Type Of Recycling Is A Dangerously Bad Idea 

My good friend’s boyfriend is a big shot lawyer downtown. He had told us about a case involving a nurse. This nurse was contracted out by a hospital downtown and hired to give flu vaccines to patients/residents at a local string of assisted-living homes. Apparently, this nurse decided it would be a good idea to reuse the same needle on every single patient.

From looking back on the records, one of the first few people she immunized had Hep C, so she ended up giving it to a bunch of seniors. It ended up being so bad that they had to contact the CDC, which then considered it an outbreak. Reddit User: steppepperss

Who Gets The Estate 

I work as a paralegal for a small and really old law firm in Texas. I work with a few attorneys who handle estate planning and wills. One particular client that had was a doctor who died while being worth about $2,000,000. He wasn’t extraordinarily wealthy, and we’d also handled many bigger cases. However, he had five kids and an ex-wife. After he divorced, he came out as gay and moved in with his partner.

After he died, his will stated that his house and money would go to his partner. His kids tried to argue about it, and we ended up going through mediation. His partner actually requested a paternity test on the father’s frozen specimen. It took a lot of legal pull, but in the end, it turns out none of the five kids were actually related to the now-deceased father. The partner got to keep the estate. Reddit User: ParkwayDriven

People Need To Be Saved From Themselves  

I’m not a lawyer, but I worked in a law firm. We had a potential client who needed to access something on a high shelf when she was at work. Instead of using the step that was provided, she took it upon herself to remove her shoes, and then stand on her chair to reach the shelf. She forgot about her own shoes on the way down. When she tripped over them, she tried to blame her employers.

There was another woman using a vacuum cleaner in her own home, and she tripped over the cord. When we asked who she specifically intended to sue, as there was nothing wrong with the vacuum cleaner, and there was no actual injury, she became confused and confessed she did not know. She just thought she could claim from “someone.” Reddit User: Catlouise

A Cold Call One Evening

I took a cold call one evening from a gentleman who was clearly high and homeless. He wanted to sue his local police dispatch, 911, paramedics and a hospital because he gave the police leads on someone who was now coming after him. He felt it was the police station’s fault that he would have to stab the guy. He repeatedly asked me if he should carry a knife, so he could perform said stabbing.

Apparently, he had also asked the 911 dispatch this same question, and all they would tell him is that no, he should certainly not go stab someone. He then wanted to come to hide at our office while keeping his knife and deciding where to find this other guy in order to stab him. Reddit User: jennijenn21

I Don’t Like Dogs 

I’m a lawyer and dog enthusiast. During law school, I had the opportunity to work under a special license for the public defender in my city. Like in most cities, they were grossly understaffed and overworked, so I had the potential as a 2L to do an actual misdemeanor trial. The client that I had to accept was a woman who killed two puppies by neglect.

She left them in a cage outside without food or water for weeks until they perished, and then she called animal control to get them. I couldn’t look at this person without feeling utter disgust. When I asked her why she waited so long to call animal control, she replied, “I don’t like dogs.” I had to defend this woman as the first person I ever legally represented. Reddit User: jadesvon

A Silly Traffic Violation 

Criminal prosecutor here – a patrol officer pulled over a driver for some traffic violation, which I think was failure to signal. After a heated roadside exchange where the driver initially refused to turn over her license, she ultimately relented and “thrust the license with undue force” into the officer’s outstretched hand. The cop charged her with aggravated assault on a law enforcement officer.

When asked to justify his actions, he stated, “People need to learn to respect the police.” We dismissed the charge, apologized to the defendant, and told the cop to never bring us something like that again. I can’t recall if internal affairs were notified. Note that I work with the police every day, and the majority of them are good people, thankfully. Reddit User: nepils

Rapping About Your Crime 

This story is not really an outrageous case that I was forced to take, but back when I was doing criminal appeals, I had to argue that rap lyrics my client wrote while sitting in jail awaiting extradition to face murder charges were inadmissible for general evidentiary and First Amendment reasons. However, it was true that the guy had written a fairly detailed song.

The song essentially described him performing the crime he was ultimately convicted of, while he was waiting to be tried for it. I don’t know what he was thinking. I made an argument that he was simply making art, which was actually kind of cool to do research on.  Turns out, it’s a hot-button topic in criminal law these days. Regardless, I lost. Reddit User: you-ole-polecat

Fighting Over A Toilet Brush  

A client let his ex live in his house with her new boyfriend until her child – not my client’s child – had finished school for the year. He was very reasonable and understanding, pretty much to a fault, but it was all in the child’s interest. The client was rich and bought and paid for everything. Finally, they moved out, and when we arrived, there was nothing to see. She had dug up half the nine-foot high spruce hedge with her boyfriend.

Half is hers, she said, as they planted them together. They probably burned it because we found some branches in the barrel behind the house, where something had clearly been burnt. Additionally, the house was cleaned out, including spoons and rugs. For three years this has been going on, and I’m fighting for a toilet brush and carpets in court. Reddit User: Axemic

Who Would Represent This Case? 

Once I had a gentleman come to my office with interest in suing his former employer. I met with him for about half an hour. He explained that he had been terminated from his employment and believed it to be gender-biased. In my jurisdiction, an employer needs to show a legitimate, non-discriminatory reason for discharge, and while this hurdle can be overcome, it’s a high one.

I asked him if he had ever been disciplined, cited, or written up in the past. He conceded that he has been disciplined in some way more than 12 times – all in two years. I finished the interview, thanked him for his interest in our business, but told him we would not be able to take the case. I sent him off with a few referral numbers. I still wonder today if he ever found someone to take his case. Reddit User: Lairelosse

An Awful Form Of Revenge 

This husband and wife were getting a divorce, and everything went normal except the husband requested partial custody. Usually, this is fine, but in this case, there were no children. What the husband wanted partial custody of was not a child but the dog. This jurisdiction states that pets are personal property, so this simply couldn’t be arranged. I was curious as to why he wanted only partial custody though.

“Does the pet mean that much to you?” I asked. He said, “No, it’s that we both like the dog, so she’ll have custody, but when I get custody, I’m going to take it to the vet and have it put down.” I’m pretty sure that counts as “Things You Don’t Say to Your Defense Lawyer – 101.” Reddit User: [redacted]

It Will Cost You More Than It’s Worth 

When I interned at a law office, a client came in to consult with my boss. They owned a horse farm in the country and their sister had ridden one of the horses off the farm into swampy territory off the beaten path. The client was dead set on suing the sister for what the client considered to be decreasing the value of her horse by $500.

My boss just kind of sat there and stared at her, eventually telling her, “Miss, it’s going to cost you more than $500 in legal fees, so you’d be better off doing this in small claims court. However, I wouldn’t recommend that either, as the judge will likely throw out the case.” My boss told her there was no way in good faith that he could assist with this lawsuit. Reddit User: NYCEater

Putting The Blame On Subway 

I once worked as a prosecutor. My favorite client was this guy who was charged with speeding and gave what I call the $5 footlong defense. He pleaded guilty but wanted to provide an explanation to the judge that he had just eaten a $5 roast beef footlong from Subway and was speeding to get home before he fell asleep because roast beef is sedating….

The judge chuckled and asked if he meant to say turkey, a slice of lunch meat that might cause some form of mild sedation. The man realized his mistake and said that the $5 footlong contained both. At this point, I am trying not to burst out laughing, as he used the word $5 footlong about a half dozen times, like he was actively advertising for Subway. Reddit User: enfinnity

When You Want To Sue A Lake 

I worked at a law office and sat in on some meetings to take notes. We had a guy come in for his case evaluation, and my boss asked what he wanted to do. He said he wanted to sue a lake. I did my best to keep a straight face, and my boss asked why he wanted to sue the lake. He said that it ate his boat. We asked if he meant the boat had sunk. He said that no, it didn’t; the lake ate it.

The boat was gone one day, so the man checked the security footage. It showed the water level of the lake rise almost four inches and fall again, which caused the boat to break loose from the dock and sink. He showed us the video, and sure enough, here is this little four-person boat with a motor sinking into the lake. Reddit User: crushcastles23

I Want To Sue Burger King And Oprah 

I was a paralegal at a big personal injury firm for several years right after college. I have two unusual stories. One is a letter from a man in jail who wanted to sue Oprah because she was a witch that had put a curse on his body. This curse caused pain in his eyes, liver, and testicles. This was like a six-page letter.

The other story involved a man who wanted to sue Burger King because he and his mother got sick after eating 50 burgers over the course of a weekend. He said they routinely bought a lot of burgers and would freeze them to eat throughout the week. The problem was that Burger King corporate had already refunded them for the cost of the food when they complained. However, he wanted more compensation for their terrible experience, and he wanted them to pay for his taxi fare too. Reddit User: Fargabarga

He Couldn’t Pay Child Support 

I once had a pro bono case where someone claimed he was unable to pay child support because he had joined a religious congregation that required him to forego money and material possessions. They were essentially communal religious hippies. He seemed sincere; his girlfriend got him into it, and I had letters and a sworn affidavit from a bunch of people at his congregation.

I argued that the free exercise clause of the constitution precluded the government from taking enforcement action against him. I told him that he owed the money but argued that he couldn’t be jailed. I was able to stall any enforcement action against him for about eight months before he went to work for a moving company. I wonder what ever happened to him. Reddit User: TobyTheRobot

And Three Years Later…

I worked with the District Attorney for a while, and one time we had this case where we were prosecuting a person for a burglary after nightfall. The defendant and a cohort had allegedly broken into someone’s home. The person with him had confessed to the crime for a reduced sentence, and there were three witnesses in the house that positively identified him.

Fast forward three years and he had somehow gotten his trial date postponed a number of times. I was there when he complained that his attorney was useless, despite the fact she was probably one of the best Public Defenders in the area. She was “useless” because she kept telling him to plead since he was going to get trashed at the trial. He somehow got the trial extended by another month. Reddit User: GovernmentLawIntern

I Want To Talk To A Lawyer  

When I was the junior associate at a regional office of a large firm, one of my assigned jobs was handling some of the “I want to talk to a lawyer” calls that came into the front desk. We didn’t take cases off the street, but the partners, just on the off chance some random person called the front desk with something actually worthwhile, figured someone should take the calls.

We got a call one day, through the front desk, where the man says “I want to talk to a lawyer.” Apparently the liquor store had stolen his tax refund. I say, “I’m sorry, what?” He repeats his claim again, so I ask, “Did you give them the check?” He responds with, “Well, no, the guy in the back of the liquor store did my taxes for me, and now he won’t give me the check.” Reddit User: BigBennP

No, You Can’t 

My most common “No, you can’t sue them for that” area is definitely employment actions – namely hiring and firing. I’m not a labor attorney, but people call me and ask about it anyway. “They fired me for being late. Can I sue them?” No. “The supervisor fired me after I hit on her, and she didn’t want to go out with me. Can I sue her?” No.

It turns out that you can’t sue someone for responding to what they think is sexual harassment. “My ex-boyfriend told his boss something bad about me, and I didn’t get hired. Who can I sue?” Nobody, because they are free to decide who to hire and having “dated another employee” is not a protected class under the discrimination laws. I wish people weren’t so sue-happy. Reddit User: NotRoryWilliams

It Doesn’t Mean You Should Say It 

I take appointments from the city to represent impoverished defendants. One of the appointments was a case where my client was arrested for disorderly conduct for yelling a derogatory term at a police officer in a public park. My client objected to being approached by the police officer and believed the only reason the officer was targeting him was that he was black.

My position was the client was exercising his First Amendment rights, and I filed a motion saying as much. The client interpreted this to mean he could walk around the courthouse, repeatedly saying this word to everyone, despite me telling him to knock it off. Good times. The case ended up being dismissed before I could even argue my motion. Reddit User: Malynet

He Was Being Scammed 

I had my own practice for a while, and one of the first calls/appointments I received was from this guy wanting me to broker a business deal. He had received communication from a “prince” overseas that wanted him to help distribute genuine leather goods in the United States. The only problem was he needed to send the guy several thousand dollars to get started.

I ardently tried to convince this guy that this was a scam. I showed him multiple web pages quoting the exact same text of the letter he was holding in his hands. He refused to believe me, and he told me that he was not only going to give this guy the money but once he was rich, he was going to come back and rub it in my face. Reddit User: skull_law

Nobody Had Been Hurt… Yet 

A very nice, disheveled, mad scientist in his nineties came into my office one afternoon. Yes, this is a true story. He was upset because the EPA had entered his lab, which is actually a dingy garage, and removed a massive amount of highly toxic and explosive chemicals (e.g., arsenic, cadmium, phosphoric acid, and hydrofluoric acid). He was not happy about it either and needed to know a few things.

These chemicals were being stored in literally thousands of open, unlabeled tubs and jugs. Mind you, he lived in close proximity to many other houses. His argument was essentially that he was on the verge of a major discovery that would change the world, and since he hadn’t hurt anyone yet, there was no real cause for concern. I declined to represent him. Reddit User: DurstBurp

The Most Outrageous Case Of Copyright 

The most important case my office has happening right now is also the most outrageous. Our client is being prosecuted for over one million dollars by a copyright collective management association for not having paid the royalties they tried to extort for licenses to play music at my client’s event.

They charge the exorbitant price based on the entire revenue of the event, not based on the single executions of music. They even charge for the execution of works on the public domain and works whose rights holders are not their associates. As a matter of fact, the association does not prove they represent the rights holders. They tried to extort the same exorbitant amount for the licenses before the event occurred, effectively having refused to deal. Reddit User: Caucasian_Male

It Goes On And On 

How do I choose just one when there’s the guy who wanted me to send forged invoices to the federal government to keep his ability to sell food stamps, the Beverly Hills millionaire who owned her ex-husband’s company’s property and spent $50,000 in attorney’s fees just to mess with him, and the oil rig owner who bought an oil rig that didn’t belong to the seller.

A recently released ex-con sold the oil rig to him, and someone kept putting logs in front of his rig. As a result, it kept getting shut down, but somehow, he still made about $1,000 per month on it. I can’t forget the nurse who lied on all of her legal documents and whose life her baby daddy’s new baby mama was actively trying to ruin by submitting false reports to government agencies. I could go on, but I’m honestly not sure I want to. Reddit User: shamplu

She Wanted Ash Blonde

I’m a paralegal at a personal injury firm, and I had a young lady call the office crying. I became immediately concerned and asked her how I could help. The lady says, “I’m at the hair salon, and I just finished getting my hair done!” When I probed further, she responded with, “I got my hair colored, and I asked for ash blonde, but they dyed it yellow!”

I take a deep breath and ask, “So you’re wanting to hire an attorney?” The woman screams, “Yes! I can’t let them get away with this! I wanted ASH BLONDE! And I even showed them a picture of the exact color I wanted.” I sympathized with her as best I could, and then informed her that she didn’t have a case. Turns out that the hairdresser even offered to fix it for free, but the woman thought the salon had still broken the law. Reddit User: jdotl

Deciding To Take The Case Or Not 

I briefly worked at a law firm, and a client came in and wanted to sue her employer for wrongful termination. She was saying that he fired her because he was black and that he made her life miserable. One of her allegations was that he and his wife would start calling her at 4am and not stop until 11pm almost every day.

We obtained the phone records of both parties, and while there were a couple of early and late calls, nothing was as outrageous as she was claiming. She also kept a journal that only contained four entries long and just happened to start the day she said they had a meeting to fire her. My boss couldn’t decide whether or not the woman was lying, or it was one of those things where you feel like it happens all the time, but it really doesn’t. Either way, she decided not to continue with the case. Reddit User: fearlessandinventive

The Scene Of The Crime 

A 22-year-old girl showed up in my office. She was working for a local aquarium, of which the owner was found murdered that day. She told me that one of her friends – also an employee in that aquarium – was being suspected for the murder. She also told me that she had already been to several other law offices, all of which refused to take her case.

So, this girl, myself, and one of my assistants go to the aquarium together, where she told us that her friend is kept. It was an orca. This friend who was suspected of murder was a sea animal, and unfortunately, I had already agreed to take this case. Looking back, it was pretty obvious that something was off, since typically suspects are taken to a detention center. Reddit User: RigasUT

A Family Feud 

My grandfather was a lawyer and worked with two brothers inherited some ranch land after their father passed away. Both of them were known for being extremely argumentative, so of course, they couldn’t agree on how to split up the property. Eventually, they decide to split it in half, and one of the brothers decides to spend a few thousand dollars to put in a fence.

This was before the exact location of the split was decided on. The fence is placed about four feet too far into his own half, so the other brother’s cattle would eventually be found to be grazing on the first brother’s four-foot strip of land. The first brother actually sues his brother for this and wants him to pay for a second fence parallel to the first one in the correct location, leaving a four-foot wide strip of fenced land across the entire property. Reddit User: rezikiel

Have A Great Day Further 

I do criminal defense and specialize in drug crimes, but I also do civil rights lawsuits against the government. Someone came to me recently and wanted to sue the police. It started off with the guy saying, “I want to sue the police for false arrest.” I respond with, “Okay, for what did they arrest you?” He informs me that the was arrested for possession of meth.

Then, I ask him, “Do you have reason to believe they fabricated evidence? Were you wrongly convicted? Were you later exonerated?” The guy tells me, “No, I haven’t gone to court yet, I was just arrested Saturday and, yeah, it was my meth, and there was a lot of it.” After we confirmed that the police had a valid search warrant to search him and his property, and even performed a successful controlled buy,  I told the dude, “Well, it’s been nice meeting you, a true pleasure. You have a great day.” Reddit User: haroldtitus425

The Principle Behind It 

I had a potential client who wanted to sue a major department store that short-changed him about $11. The worst part is that they admitted the mistake and paid him the money before he called me. The man explained how the cashier was very busy when he counted out the change, and the store manager asked him if he could wait until the evening when he would close out the drawer and count the money.

The guy agreed and later came back to the apologetic manager who also gave him a gift card in addition to the cash. When I asked him why he wanted to sue, he asked, “How do I know the cashier wasn’t trying to steal his money but just got caught?” When I agreed on the possibility but mentioned that he received all of his money, he said he still wanted to sue – on principle. Reddit User: slayman2001

While some of these clients probably left you speechless, you’ll never imagine what kinds of stories people tell that lawyers are able to see right through. From pretending to be robbed to losing an arm, these lawyers reveal their best “gotcha” moments in court…

The law is a confusing thing, and what lawyers do is nothing short of sorcery in some cases. They can make sense of strange terms, and some are very good at crafting the perfect case. It’s hard for a lot of people to envy a lawyer’s job, because it all seems very complicated.

When lawyers go to court, they typically know ahead of time what both they and the other side are going to present. But every now and then, a new piece of information or a new strategy rears its head, and this can leave a lawyer with a real “ah ha!” moment. Check out these satisfying encounters where lawyers reveal their favorite “gotcha.”

She Wasn’t So Lucky

A lady got into a minor fender bender with a truck in a casino parking lot. My guy said she parked and went inside the casino for a few hours. She testified that she was so hurt that she went right home and to a hospital. I asked if she was a frequent visitor to the casino and if she had a rewards card. She was happy to tell me she did, and that she had gold status. She showed me the card.

I subpoenaed her rewards card records, and it showed she was playing slots for hours after the accident. Reddit User: lawgirl3278

His Rolex Wasn’t Stolen

A man reported his Rolex as being stolen. He was adamant that he was at a hotel and it was stolen. He got sworn in and eventually let out that he wasn’t at a hotel but rather with his mistress, and he had left it at her house. His wife noticed he didn’t have it on, so he immediately claimed it must’ve been stolen.

This man decided to hire an attorney and go through this whole circus just so his wife wouldn’t find out about his affair. Needless to say, the claim was denied. Reddit User: jessnod

The High-Speed Chase

I had a client accused of leading the cops on a high-speed chase. The cop on the stand estimated he was going 90 mph but never actually clocked him. Then the cop identified where the chase started with me and where it ended. It lasted about 2 miles. Then we went through his log of when it started and when it ended. About three and a half minutes.

Once you walk through the math on that, the average speed of this chase was 35 mph. The client got acquitted really quickly after that. Reddit User: hitchinpost

The Landlord Refused to Make Serious Repairs

I was suing a landlord who failed to make serious repairs in order to force the tenant out. The hard part is proving bad intent instead of mere idiocy so you get higher damages. Code enforcement was involved, so I requested those records. The landlord left a voicemail to the enforcement department saying to hold off on the fines; they would make the repairs as soon as the tenant was forced out.

That was an easy case. It was out of idiocy to leave that voicemail, though. What was he thinking? Reddit User: M-Cicero

They Got It from Costco

I had a client whose 60k car was ruined by a shop that put in the wrong oil. We couldn’t prove it at first; the engine blew up, oil leaked out, and evidence was lost. I subpoenaed their bank records and figured out they bought their oil from Costco. I called Costco and got their prices for the last two years.

I then worked out the amounts they were spending, did some backhand math, and showed based on the values that it was impossible they had ever bought the right oil. They settled in full immediately. Reddit User: EunuchsProgrammer

She Lost Her Arm

My client was a woman working at a meatpacking plant. Her glove got caught in the machine, and she lost her arm. We sued the owners of the plant for the glove issue. We also sued the machine manufacturer for failing to include the required guard.  Turns out there was a note in small print at the bottom he didn’t know about that said the sale was without the handguard.

That is against the law. The woman got all her medical bills paid, got money for a prosthetic, and got a bunch of pain and suffering damages. Reddit User: Temjin

What Crime?

I was deposing a guy in a large breach of contract/fraud action. I asked him if he’d ever been convicted of a crime, and he said no. Later in the dep, I asked him the question again, and there was no objection, and he answered “no.” I then whipped out his indictment for felony fraud.

…And his conviction for misdemeanor conspiracy. He denied it was him until I started asking about his co-conspirator (his son), and then he gave me the “oh yeah I remember something about that” line. Reddit User: Lawyerboy96

The Plumber Said Wait 48 Hours

A plumber installed a new tile on top of his work but warned the owners not to walk on it for 48 hours. They walked on it but alleged the defects were caused by improper install. We had an expert do a report that confirmed that it was consistent with proper installation but people walking on it too soon. The crazy homeowners still went to trial on it.

In their evidence disclosure, they included a series of pictures. The background very clearly showed a dog’s paw pressing down on the other end of the tile. Reddit User: asoiahats

Jail Calls Aren’t Private

When I was a prosecutor, I had a guy who was representing himself. He was charged with car theft and evading. He was actually able to escape the cops for quite a distance and was captured later. His defense was that he wasn’t the right person. I got his calls from jail, and he talked so much to his girlfriend about how he had committed the crimes.

The look on his face when I told him that I was providing him copies of his jail calls was great. Reddit User: PM-ME-YOUR-DICTA

He Was Working for Free

My only full trial. The contractor was supposedly ripping off my client, who was no saint either. I went through the entire contract where each sub was listed, and he agreed to each line as being part of a contract. He agreed that the amount was to be paid to the subs. He agreed to the total. What he failed to do was list any profit. My last question was, “Where is your profit in this contract?”

As written, he was working for free. Case dismissed by the judge without me having to present my side. Reddit User: Snpuck

What Is XYZ Corporation?

One guy had a lucrative commercial construction business and was ready to retire and sell it. He got a buyer, and part of the deal was receiving a portion of the profits for several years. Somehow, the company had no profits. But there was all sorts of evidence of wealth: new cars, etc. At trial, the new owner was on the stand. “Nope, we’re really just struggling to break even.” Dad’s attorney asked, “What is XYZ Corporation?”

Before there was an answer, the buyer’s attorney literally jumped up and said, “Your honor, we would like to discuss a settlement.” Reddit User: Earguy

She Asked for Permission

A husband and wife were charged with drug sales. The wife had given full admission to the cops and ended up pleading before trial. The drugs were found in a shed with tools that the husband denied knowing anything about. On the cross, I started asking about his relationship with his wife.

He admitted that he was in charge of the finances and also admitted she had to ask permission to spend money. I then asked him if he knew she admitted to selling drugs. He did. So wouldn’t she need his permission to do that? Of course she would, he said. No further questions. Reddit User: SmallTownDA

Jack John Smith

I sat in on a criminal trial, and the defense basically had no defense other than “there were documents lying around with the name Jack Smith and our client’s name is John Smith so there might have been someone else living in the house hiding the drugs.” In the very last minute of closing arguments, the prosecutor stood up and said, “I’m really tired of you spending all week pretending you don’t know who Jack is when you know very well.”

“Your trial binders, which have been sat on your desk all week, say Jack Smith because that’s what he goes by.” Reddit User: cowtown456

He Doesn’t Know How to Use a Computer

As an 18-year-old computer store owner, I had a guy sue me because his computer was a “lemon.” Well, he chose to represent himself, to which the judge said only an idiot would represent himself and begged the guy to postpone and get a lawyer. Nope, so the guy rambled for 20 minutes and made himself look like a complete redneck moron who just didn’t know how to use a computer.

So then it was my turn. My lawyer stood up and said some legal phrase to the effect of “the plaintiff failed to ask for any damages, therefore we ask for summary dismissal.” Reddit User: bwave1

He Died

I was a witness at a hearing on some counterfeit aircraft parts. The lawyer for the German company that supplied them told us that there was a delay and that the hearing had to be rescheduled. The magistrate in charge said no. Now. Not later. Turns out that the German guy who said he was the owner of said company was bogus.

He was Canadian, and the real owner of the company had died at a hospital in London two days earlier. Reddit User: dmukai

Faking a Disability

Former insurance lawyer. There were quite a few times I busted someone for faking a disability by hiring private investigators to tail them for a day. One guy claimed he could barely walk or move at all. Like, he couldn’t even make himself breakfast or get out of bed without help. Caught him literally jogging out of his independent medical examination (for the purpose of litigation) and threw his walker aside when he bent down to pick up his keys after dropping them.

I work fraud investigations now, and it never ceases to amaze me how people think they’re exceptional liars. Reddit User: drunk_with_internet

Yeah, I Did It

Not a lawyer but involved in fraud investigations. I called a suspect who was allegedly using the money he was being provided as a guardian for an incapable individual. I explained the allegation to the suspect. He stated, “Yeah, they’re correct. I took the lump sum and bought cocaine and booze. I understand it was wrong, do what you gotta do.”

“I’ll sign a statement or come in the office if you need me to.” Not really dealing with high-level criminals here. Easiest case ever. Reddit User: ShipwreckDave

The Family Assistant

I work in family law. My client insisted the employee his wife claimed was their “family assistant” was his wife’s personal assistant. He had nothing to do with her, so all of her payrolls should be allocated to his wife. Opposing attorneys showed up with an email from the client to the “family assistant” saying, “In future dinners, when broccoli is served, I require a higher floret to stem ratio.”

Payroll got allocated to the community, and we consistently joke about florets. Also, I do not envy the job of that family assistant. Reddit User: jose_gomez

The “Born On” Date Campaign

My uncle is a lawyer, and this is one of his favorite ones, though I know I can’t do it justice. The defendant was pulled over in a small town in the south. Accused of a DUI, he came to my uncle because afterward, evidence surfaced of there being open containers. Well, it was later found out this evidence was Budweiser containers.

Thing is, this was not long after Budweiser had started their “born on” date campaign, and the evidence was born after the date the defendant was pulled over. Suffice to say the case fell apart after that. Reddit User: SavoirFair71

They Copied Her Fingerprint

Not me, but my cousin. He’s an intellectual property lawyer who represents lots of small artists and craftspeople. One day, one of his clients is wandering through the aisles of a major home decor chain store. She notices a bowl that looks exactly like one of her bowls. Ultimately, she and my cousin sue the chain store; the store denies everything. My cousin buys a bunch of the bowls and has them sent to a lab, where they do a series of scans.

The proof was that when they copied the original bowl when they made the mold, they accidentally included her fingerprint! Reddit User: manuel_dexterity

The Wrong Guy With the Wrong Clothes

My grandpa was a jury foreman for a murder trial in a small town in Tennessee. Two guys got in an argument at a bar with the victim. The two guys drove home, got a rifle, came back, and shot a guy. While the trial was about to wrap up, a surprise witness who happened to be the guy they had supposedly murdered was called.

Those two idiots had shot and killed the wrong person, who happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time wearing the wrong clothes. Reddit User: BeefJerkyYo

Don’t Threaten Police Officers

In the middle of the suit, things took a dramatic swing in our favor. As a direct result thereof, opposing counsel threatened my client, a police officer, with professional ramifications if we didn’t drop our case. This is a big no-no for lawyers, and the fact that my client was a cop and being threatened in his capacity as a cop was the icing on the cake.

Once the Attorney Registration and Disciplinary Commission was notified that my client was threatened by opposing counsel, the case settled in full within a couple of days. Reddit User: crunchyfunyons

Semi-Nude Pictures on Facebook

I was representing the mother in a custody dispute. The father and his new wife were arguing that she was a bad influence on the kid because she posted lewd photos of herself on Facebook. They weren’t able to produce these photos of my client, but I easily found the new wife’s semi-nude pictures on her Facebook page. When I presented them to her on cross-examination, she admitted they were hers and that there was nothing wrong with them.

But she still insisted my client was a morally low example of a woman and mother. We won. Reddit User: JournalofFailure

They Were Actually in Disneyland

My dad had a case where he caught a trucker that caused a wrongful death in the wrong place. The company had sent him away for “training,” but he and his family had actually gone to Disneyland—which my dad confirmed on the man’s Facebook. Further investigation revealed this was common practice at their company, and they lied their butts off on the stand.

The judge ultimately allowed him to work with the defendant’s attorney and get records from him because of the blatant perjury. The jury awarded 43 million in the end. Reddit User: therealskaconut

I’ll Buy Your House

I represented a gas station in a nuisance suit. Adjacent homeowners had sued to say the lights were too bright, etc. The homeowner gets an appraiser to say the real estate is diminished in value by 80K. I get the homeowner on the stand, and he says it’s a nightmare. So I pull out a real estate contract and ask to buy his house on the witness stand.

OC objects, saying it’s an offer to settle, but I argue it’s not and that it does nothing to alter the underlying nuisance of the property. The judge overrules the objections, but in the meantime, the homeowner is sweating bullets. Reddit User: Heathens_cry

No Engineering Degree

Condemnation case. I deposed the township’s “engineer” on whose valuation of the property the township relied. He admitted that (i) he does not have an engineering degree, and (ii) he “did not take the value of [my client’s] property into consideration when establishing what the offer was going to be.” He just took the township’s budget and cut it in half “as a starting place for negotiation.”

There was a clean transcript of no objections, just ten admissions in a row that established he didn’t do what he needed to. Reddit User: UCLAwyer

Her Heel Broke

I had a trial where a woman claimed she tripped in a store because of an obstacle. We had video footage that showed that the heel of her shoe broke. In her evidence, she said that her heel had broken when she tripped over the obstacle. I asked her what type of shoe she was wearing on the day before showing the video clip. She said shoes with heels and that funnily enough, she was wearing them today.

She stepped out of the witness box, and her heel immediately snapped. They settled during the lunch adjournment. Reddit User: Animus131

The Fraud Expert

The defense brought in an expert on a certain topic that was a point of interest in the trial. The expert said everything that would support the defense’s argument. During recess, my uncle found a check statement addressed to the expert from the defense with instructions for what to say along with it! When he got back in the courtroom, he brought the expert to the stand and questioned if he was, in fact, honest about what he had testified.

And then my uncle pulled out the check statement and instructions, and the expert and defense just put their heads down. Reddit User: the-great-cornholio

Security Camera Footage

Not a lawyer, but I’m a clerical assistant at a law firm. Pretty recently, we had a client come in and say he was injured on an NYC bus. He claimed that he suffered a fracture in like two places in his leg and wanted to sue. My boss easily obtained the security camera feed from the bus, which clearly showed him laughing and sitting back with his leg kicked up on the seat in front of him after the impact.

My boss gleefully called the guy in and told him to go back to work. And that was the end of that. Reddit User: JDisselt

I Was Asleep

Not a lawyer but a paralegal. The case was a huge car crash involving several people with severe injuries; it was on a two-lane left turn entrance to a major highway, and someone ran a red light and veered off, hitting a lot of people. We suspected this was a huge DUI case. We were waiting on highway patrol’s report before we could proceed with insurance.

Once we got the document, under the adverse party (the one who caused the accident) they wrote: “I was asleep, and when I woke up, I saw I ran the red light.” Reddit User: ProvocativeSkeleton

The Technician Is Fixing Her Fridge

My cousin is a private investigator who worked with lawyers. He got a case about an appliance repair technician suing his job for getting hurt on the job; I don’t remember the exact details. Fast forward a week or so, and before going to work, my cousin goes to his sister’s apartment next door to his to pick something up. He walks into the kitchen and lo and behold, said repair technician is fixing her fridge.

He just set his camera down and recorded him while he worked. The easiest case he ever had. Reddit User: DarkFolie

She Got Offered More Money

This lady tried to back out of a contract because she got offered more money. Our contract has an exclusivity clause where you aren’t allowed to even entertain other offers from competitors once you sign. She also played dumb, saying she thought we were just going to research. She literally sent us emails about “how do I know if it’s a good price,” “ok I’ll sell,” etc.

But the kicker was when she wrote, “As you can see, I didn’t reach out to [competitor], they called me at 8 am on [specific date after she signed the contract].” Reddit User: jrc5053

Bodybuilder with Migraines

My client rear-ended a BMW and did MAYBE $500 in damage to the car. The plaintiff was a cute young woman who claimed she had a rotator cuff tear and migraines as a result of the accident. I did some sleuthing and found her Instagram, wherein she documented her entire transformation from normal person to bodybuilder in the year immediately following the accident.

I snagged all the screenshots of her doing pull-ups with her alleged rotator cuff tear, deadlifting, and squatting. Case settled VERY quickly after that. Reddit User: mochaput

Divorce Case

One lady was a saint who raised 10 kids while happily cleaning the house and doing everything for a man that was cheating on and abusing her. He denied his extramarital affairs for a year of litigation. Then, at the final hearing, I had him frustrated on the stand and asked, “And isn’t it true you’ve been intimate with 7 male and 5 female prostitutes since your marriage to the plaintiff?”

The guy exploded, “That’s not true! It was only two male and three female…” and then he trailed off as he realized how screwed he was. Reddit User: Caa3098

No Proof

Not me, but one of my dad’s stories from when he was in law school. My dad was an acting lawyer. It was a speeding ticket. The cop begins to explain the story as such: “I was following a blue Ford Focus that was clearly speeding. The car went onto the highway and I lost it for a bit.”

“I caught up, I pulled it over, and I ticketed them.” The cop had no proof it was even the same person. My dad stepped down. He won the case. Reddit User: Eplico

The Cop Lied

Not a lawyer, but recently, I was ticketed for driving an uninspected vehicle. Instead of paying the ticket, I went to the pre-trial, where the judge offered me a lesser charge in the hopes that I would take it and not bother with an actual trial. Instead, I presented documentation proving that it would have been impossible for the charges to be true, with the implication being that the cop lied.

I guess the judge figured out that I was more than willing to waste everyone’s time, so she just dismissed the case. Reddit User: phillillillip

Discrimination Against People With Disabilities

In a dispute with an employer, I got declared unfit to work due to a disability that I’ve had for ages. They replied to say that due to that, I wouldn’t be paid and included the phrase “due to your [disability]” at the start. They normally paid full pay, so this was treating someone differently because of their disability status, which is completely illegal here, and which changes damages for wrongful termination from a year of pay to an unlimited amount.

My representative just sent them a letter pointing out that they’d just admitted discrimination, and they started talking settlements straight away. Reddit User: [redacted]

About the Same Pace

Not my story, but a former coworker (who was formerly a lawyer) was representing the officer in a disputed speeding infraction. The driver was insistent that the officer pulled over the wrong person and that it was, in fact, the person driving ahead of him that had been speeding. Lawyer: “The person ahead of you, were you following him for a while?” Driver: “Yeah, for ways.”

Lawyer: “Were they pulling much farther ahead, or were you keeping about the same pace as them?” Driver: “I’d say we were keeping about the same pace.” Got em’. Reddit User: [redacted]

They Took My Entire Check for 8 Weeks

Not a lawyer, but I had a case of wage issue against my one employer. I went on maternity leave, and when I came back (early, to top it all off), HR told me I was going to be garnished for unpaid medical. They were supposed to leave me with at least a minimum wage, but instead, they took my entire check for 8 weeks. I filed with my state’s department of wages, and my employer denied it.

I literally gave my attorney my last 8 pay stubs that showed me receiving $0. I won. Reddit User: Flamingo_Borris

While some of these lawyers’ “gotcha” moments probably left you in awe, just wait until you hear what kinds of things have happened at family will readings. From playing rock paper scissors to trying to change someone else’s will without them knowing, these lawyers share the craziest things they’ve ever witnessed…

Drafting a will is a task that is taken very seriously. After all, it’s dealing with the most personal requests of those who are about to pass away. They might have family heirlooms to hand down to their children or a big insurance policy to share among their grandkids. In some cases, people even draft their wills before they get sick, to make sure everything is outlined properly….

You never do know when it’s time to go meet your maker, so even though it might seem like a daunting task, creating a will is important. It’s your chance not only to pass along your favorite items, but to tell people what you really think and feel…for better or worse. In those not-so-great situations, reading the will out loud can be a tense time.

Let’s Play Spoons

I’m a lawyer. Not reading the will, but a dying guy wanted to leave bequests to pretty much everybody he had known still living in three countries. We’re talking one percent to this guy and another two percent to that lady. Then he changed his mind about one beneficiary or the other, which required the development of a spreadsheet to recalculate all the other bequests whenever he would change that guy’s gift…. 

It would go from one percent to a measly one and a half percent. Fortunately for my sanity, it was a pot of cash; if he had changed physical bequests (half my spoons to my cousin Lydia, the other half – no! Five-eighths!), we would have had to drop him. That’s just way too much to handle for one lawyer. Reddit User: duckshoe2

Churn, Baby, Churn

What do you think was of value back in the 1700s in the rural UK? Well, I can tell you that exact answer from someone who probably wasn’t royalty. An ancestor of mine in the rural UK in the 1700s died and left his farm and everything to his nephew because he had no children. Apparently, his surviving wife only got “the second-best bed,” but that wasn’t all….

She also got a provision to receive three pounds of butter per week for the rest of her life. We thought this was incredibly mean, but we wonder whether this butter was meant as an income; I mean, who can eat three pounds of butter per week? Not that she would be eating it directly, but why would you even cook with that much butter? Reddit User: [redacted]

Love Those Felines

I’m telling this story on behalf of my dad here. He one time had a woman leave millions of dollars to three stray cats that she had been feeding, and he had to catch them and put them in crates to be shipped to Texas, where they lived a life of luxury in a cat resort. Yes, this is a true story….

Another guy had a safety deposit box that was massive, like the size of a small dresser. Inside it was filled with coins that they had to count. It turns out it was several hundred thousand dollars worth of coins, but I’m not really sure how my dad knew all of this stuff or if it was even true. Cool cat story, though. Reddit User: [redacted]

Good to Know

My wife and I went to a lawyer to have our wills drafted. However, once we were there, the lawyer told us of a client he had that had a great deal of money. His kids were fighting over it before he was dead. The man liked the monkey exhibit and the local zoo; he liked to just sit and watch them all the time…. 

When he died, the lawyer had to tell his family that he willed all of his money and estate to the zoo for the monkey exhibits. He now has a bench dedicated to his honor at one of the local zoos. He said they were livid and tried to fight. The lesson is, don’t be petty and greedy; love your family unconditionally. Reddit User: maxiums

Deliver Them by Hand

My sister spent a couple of years working for a long-standing organization in Philly that’s been accepting bequeathments since the late 18th century. Her job was to help organize the various trusts they had to administer, as well as going around advising people not to do things like this and just leave them a lump sum. People had a habit of leaving them an annual trust (that $5/year was a princely sum in 1813, but by now, it’s just a complete nuisance)….

Another thing they would do is leave them ridiculously specific things to do every year. The worst example I remember (I’m a little fuzzy on the details) was a woman who left funds to purchase books for schoolchildren in Liberia. The problem is, her funds now don’t buy more than a couple of books, and she left instructions for someone to deliver the books, not to ship them. Reddit User: castillar

One Penny

When my grandparents on my mother’s side were dying of cancer, my uncle (black sheep I never met) wanted to know what he was getting from the inheritance when they died. Not “how’s mom and dad” or “what can I do to help.” My grandparents were still going to give him an inheritance after all the screwed up things he did to them, but my mom (a power of attorney) convinced them that they shouldn’t be manipulated by him anymore.

They ended up writing him an email back, telling him that he wouldn’t be included in the will anymore. He ended up threatening to burn their house down and my house too, ending me and my family for betraying him. You know what my grandparents did? They ended up including him in the will and sending him exactly one penny in check form by mail. That was the last time I have heard from him since. Reddit User: dpuertos

Nursing School

What does a guy do with all his money when he has a double life? Nobody ever thinks it will happen to their family, but it actually happens way more than people think. It is like out of a movie. I work for a brokerage firm, and I often deal with account beneficiaries. Not that part, but this is where it gets pretty juicy…. 

We had a client leave his entire account to a dancer. After the client died, his wife discovered her husband had left his life savings to Jane “Sparkles” Smith. She was upset. Really upset, actually, to say the least. Can you imagine learning a crazy secret like that when you are mourning the death of your husband? Reddit User: cupanope

Coats and Toilets

Lawyer here. We normally don’t actually do a reading of the will here like they do in the movies. It’s much more boring. We just fire up the probate and send notice to all the heirs. The weirdest one I saw was a guy that was worth about two million dollars who left “my Carhartt jacket and one dollar to my son, X….”

“I hope it keeps him warm when he winds up sleeping under a bridge.” The kid had a drug issue. I also had someone leave an antique commode to one of his kids. He considered an elderly toilet to be a family heirloom. The guy was actually pretty excited to get the toilet. It was the last thing they had left to remember their grandma by. Reddit User: Troutmandoo

That’s Bold

I’m not a lawyer, but I’m a deputy public administrator, and we find wills often. We deal with individuals who died without any known family, or the family is estranged and we have to locate them. One of the wills I read said “no freaking lawyers” in the text (with some extra swear words in capital, bold letters for emphasis….)

That one could have just been left alone, sure, but this next one had a special request. The other one stated, “I would like crack powder stuffed in my ears and cremated.” We are assuming he didn’t have any extra money or assets to leave for his family or friends to remember him by with a request like that. Reddit User: thorface

Four-Legged Family Members

I’m a trust attorney. I can’t tell you how many times the surviving spouse from a blended marriage cuts out the step-kids. They always try to justify it to me even though I really don’t care; I’m not there to judge. Los Angeles residents are especially concerned about their pets. I’ve written trusts where the pets inherit more than the kids….

It’s always awkward when I have to tell a child they were disinherited. No easy way to tell a person. This story is really sad, but it’s also true. So, if you have a beloved pet in your family and you’re more of the black sheep type, don’t get your hopes up. Seriously. You will probably be disappointed. Reddit User: she_is_the_slaughter

Strange People

My office has had two notably bizarre estate wills. The first: the mother stipulated in her will that one of her sons was not to receive his portion of her estate until he went to a dentist. The second stipulated that her two cats were to be euthanized upon her death and cremated with her.

Oh wait, I just remembered another…. Though it was in preparation of an older lady’s will, she wanted it in there for her to be buried next to her late husband on the family property. He had died a few years before her, and we had to question whether his body or ashes were buried on the property, neither of which is particularly legal. I never got a firm answer from her. Reddit User: ALighterShadeOfPale

Shoot

Growing up, my brother and I played the beloved hand game rock, paper, scissors over every little thing. My dad wanted the will to have that if both he and mom died together, to have me and my brother play one hand of rock, paper, scissors for everything. Of course, this didn’t happen in the end, which is probably a good thing…. 

Could you imagine us mourning over the death of both of our parents, then being forced into a silly game for priceless (and valuable) belongings in an all-or-nothing showdown? The loser would be so sad, mad, and just everything bad. I mean yeah in theory it sounds funny, but in real life, I’m just not so sure. Reddit User: Zythen1975

The Devil

No, I’m not a lawyer, but this crazy will story happened with my family. My grandfather-in-law’s daughter tried to change his will without him knowing about it. We are not really sure how she even did this dirty deed. After he passed, they were all gathered at the reading. Instead of thinking it would be a huge list of things and heirlooms, we were totally wrong….

The only thing he left her was a really nice bronze sculpture of the devil (or Pan?) playing the flute. No joke. Honestly, she should have taken that too, since it was made in her likeness. Okay, that was mean, but so was what she did to my grandfather-in-law. Maybe I’m missing part of the story, but from what I know, it was just as bad as it sounds. Reddit User: the_patman

The Water Girl

My uncle left his business to his sister and never updated the will after he got married and had kids. They had an old water cooler he had taken from his office back to his home when it was replaced. After all, it was his business, his water cooler, and his home. He could transport it back and forth as he pleased…. 

However, his sister came to the wake to pick it up, as it was still, technically, belonging to the business. What a total brat. She is obviously just bitter over the money and the prospect of losing some. Wills are the worst when they should make people feel some relief after a grieving process. Reddit User: funkensteinberg

People Are So Greedy 

Sometimes there are no wills in place because a death is so untimely. That happened to a family I know. Everyone in the neighborhood was shocked when it happened. The town was usually safe and quiet; there was rarely crime, much less a murder. So anyway, a really nice guy in my area was killed, and no one could figure out why anyone would want to kill him…. 

It turns out he was the caretaker of his mentally challenged brother, who resented having to ask for advances on his trust money. The brother did it. Everyone was appalled when they found out the truth. That poor mother had to go through a lot, but it was a while ago, so hopefully everyone can heal over time. Reddit User: HappilySingle

The Roof Is on Fire

There are so many over-the-top and crazy will stories out there, but this one really is a scorcher. Maybe it was justified, but perhaps not. Anyway, a friend of mine is a lawyer. He had one client who, in accordance with his will, which contained the permits to do so, had his entire estate burned while his family watched….

It sounds pretty cold, but apparently, the guy died from a fairly easily treatable cancer; he ran out of money, and his relatives would not help. Okay, it doesn’t sound cold at all if that is the case, right? Cancer is a terrible thing, and it shouldn’t cost so much to cure it. It’s just ridiculous. Reddit User: Yurei2

Awww Snap

Let’s assume you have a good-for-nothing husband. Who equally has a mean and rude daughter. You have a son, but it was secretly with the love of your life. How would your will sound? Well, I happen to have read one out loud, and it went just how you think it would. It was hilarious, but hopefully fitting for the people involved…. 

“Frank, if your fat monkey heart is still beating, then congratulations. I want you to know that I hereby leave all of your money to Bruce Mathis, the real father of my children. A handsome man with a beautiful soul. For my darling son Dennis, I give you my house on the sole condition that Frank is not allowed in. Deandra, you get nothing.” Reddit User: Partners

That’s What You Get

The husband/father was a real difficult controlling jerk (rich, self-made farmer) and assumed he would definitely die before his wife. He thus worded the will in terms of the “first to die” and the “longest living” (translating from Afrikaans here, so I hope the terminology is the same). He set up the will so that two of his farms go to his sons and everything else gets sold and goes to a trust fund…. 

His wife (the “longest living”) would have to go to a pre-specified retirement village and get a specified monthly stipend to live from (he did not want her to be able to be frivolous with her money). Anyway, his wife had a sudden stroke and passed away long before him. The farms went to his sons, who refused point-blank to continue taking his controlling crap, and he had to go and live in the retirement village with a small monthly stipend. Reddit User: Joe1972

Fight Club

My father-in-law was an accountant for some rather wealthy people. One of them was asking him to assist with writing up his will worth millions. The final addition he suggested was that if the children contested it, they get nothing. That seems reasonable, honestly, in the hopes that your children will get along, especially since you literally just died….

They contested it for years, so sadly, his plan didn’t work. You would think when someone close to you passes away, like a parent, you wouldn’t care about money. That should be the last thing on your mind. Unfortunately, that is not the case for most people who are selfish and greedy, even with the most loving parents. Reddit User: dougj182

Who Came Out on Top?

My crazy mom did this to me. She left her house to her eldest grandson, my nephew; dribs and drabs of cash to her other grandkids, the amount depending on how much she liked them; a big wad of cash to my erratic alcoholic brother; and a few thousand to me, with the caveat that if I contested my share or any aspect of the will, I was to get nothing….

Mom pretty much had it in for everyone. I had my own attorney evaluate the will, and he said it was legally hilarious and definitely vulnerable to challenge, but it would take a lot of time and money. I walked away with my few thousand bucks and got on with my life. The nephew who was bequeathed the house renounced the will, as he was still in college applying for grants and scholarships, and owning a $500k piece of property would have wrecked his fiscal profile; he also hated the house and everything about it. Reddit User: AnotherPint777

 A Country Girl

We had a client who was a widowed farmer who owned several pieces of heavy equipment, like Caterpillar trucks. He had two sons who were already working with him at the farm and a daughter who was working in the city. He willed the heavy equipment to the daughter, which didn’t really make sense, since she was the city girl….

When we asked why, since this equipment was essential to the farm, he said that the farm was to go his kids equally, but his girl needed to know he always wanted her to join their venture and dispel her notions of alienation because she was a girl. That’s nice he didn’t want his little girl to be left out. Reddit User: nerdychick19

Hungry, Why Wait?

I’m a lawyer. I once amended a will for a doctor in which he disinherited his son by removing everything he had intended to bequeath. I’m not sure why he wanted to do that. Maybe something happened between the two. After all, the rich father was a doctor and would have some money and assets to pass on after his death….

Nevertheless, the doctor replaced the items the son was supposed to receive in the will with a “manure spreader.” I didn’t ask any questions, because changing a will is an easy thing to do. But one day, that doctor will die, and his son will have to essentially be told to “eat crap” courtesy of his father’s will. Reddit User: TyroneSuave

Blended Families

My maternal grandpa was wealthy. He divorced my maternal grandma, remarried, and promptly dropped dead of a heart attack. He was only 48 and had no will, so everything went to his new wife, my mom’s stepmother. She was actually really nice and was planning on making sure that everything was “fair” until she died in a car accident six months later…. 

She was a widow herself prior to marrying grandpa and had a now orphaned 15-year-old son from the previous marriage who got everything. My mom and her siblings had to go to the auction at their childhood home and buy back as much of their heirlooms and memories as they could afford (and, truthfully, they stole some of what they couldn’t). Reddit User: nilockmoldred

RIP Fido

I heard this story from another lawyer, but I’m pretty sure there is some truth behind it. A rich old lady leaves her entire sizable estate in a trust for the care and maintenance of her dog, as long as the dog shall live. Yes, a dog gets everything. That probably isn’t the first time you heard that one, but it gets better….

On the dog’s death, the trust was to pay out in full to the son. Apparently, the son had Rover put down the day after the funeral and presented a demand to the trustee the very next day for the trust payout. She should have seen that one coming, but she already passed away, so it was way too far beyond her control anymore. Reddit User: [redacted]

 A Gift

A woman came in after her mother’s funeral with some correspondence from the insurance company. She was worried there was a bill she needed to pay and was coming to tell us her mom had died. She shared that in the last few years, her mom had slipped into dementia, and she singlehandedly took care of her, and she missed her but just was run ragged and hadn’t taken a vacation in forever….

I realized what she had was not a health policy; it was a life insurance policy naming the daughter as the beneficiary for about 50K. She said, crying, “I have no idea what she left that for; everything’s been paid for.” I said, “This might be her telling you to go on that vacation and relax.” It was so touching, and she had no idea that the policy existed. Reddit User: LadyTarTar

Two Families

My estate planning professor told us about a guy who had two families, neither of whom knew about the other until it was time to read the will. This wasn’t like a love child/mistress type scenario; both were nuclear multi-kid families. Both of the families showed up for what had to be one of the most awkward will readings in history….

I don’t really know how he pulled it off other than that he was away on “business” frequently. I am also not sure how the meeting went, although I would basically pay to see it today. All of the children and the two women were probably mortified. Their sorrow was probably transformed into complete and utter madness. Reddit User: PrivateEyesWatchingU

What a Brat

I know these things usually come from lawyers and whatnot, but here, have my mediocre will story anyway. You will like it. My great grandmother left her daughter “just one dollar and not a single penny more so help me god.” And yes, that is a direct quote from her will. Why did she do that to her daughter? Well, it’s quite the story….

That was before I was born, though, so I’m not sure what she did to deserve it, but my grandmother (not the daughter with the dollar) said that when they all read the will, her sister had a full-blown temper tantrum, and no one heard from her since. I guess she had it coming, but no, I’m actually not sure why. Reddit User: redbirdsandwords

He’s Watching You

In my trusts and estates class in law school, we read a case about a man who left everything to his wife, but only if she got his body stuffed and left it on the living room couch forever. You know, like a taxidermy animal. Or better yet, a teddy bear. He was dead serious. No pun intended….

Luckily for her, the court invalidated that part of the husband’s will. But why did he demand this in his will? Part of the reasoning was that it would make it impossible for her to date or remarry again after his death unless she had her husband’s creepy dead body glaring at anyone who came to see her. Reddit User: Luna_Lovelace

Joke’s on You

My grandfather hated his neighbor. They lived next to each other for over 20 years. I remember well my grandfather raging at every opportunity about this guy. We never saw them speak to each other. In grandpa’s will, he left the guy ten thousand dollars (yes $10K), a car, and golf clubs. We were dumbstruck as to why he would do such a thing….

It turns out that they were good buddies from the Army. When they coincidently bought homes next to each other, they decided to play a long prank with both their families. It worked out until one died! Luckily, before that, it turns out that they actually played golf together two to three times per week and had a monthly poker game for years. Reddit User: kooknboo

Sold to the Highest Bidder

I’m not a lawyer, but here’s sort of a sad story. When my dad’s mother died, her will stipulated that everything was to be liquidated and the money distributed equally between her children and grandchildren. Fine, but literally everything had to be sold. There were family heirlooms, jewelry, things my grandfather (he was a carpenter) had made, and so much more….

There were so many sentimental family things that my father and his siblings badly wanted, but it all had to be sold. They all went to the auction to try to buy some of the more sentimental items back but weren’t always successful. It was heartbreaking, and I’m not sure what made my grandmother think it would be a good idea. Nobody wanted the money; they wanted her wedding ring and the clocks my grandfather had made and all that. Reddit User: miss-robot

Can’t Forget the Canine

When my great uncle died, he left his beloved dog to his longtime girlfriend. All of his money went into a pet trust for said dog, which turned out to be quite a large sum of money. His two kids got nothing. As far as I know, he didn’t have a bad relationship with them or anything; he just thought the world of his little dog….

Can you imagine being those kids? If anything, they would want to take care of the dog, too. However, the girlfriend probably let them visit the pup. After all, you know how some families treat pets like family, almost like their…wait. He did have kids, and they got nothing. The girlfriend was probably mad, too. Reddit User: paleperson

Cha-Ching

One of my college buddies’ dad died from cancer in our second year. It wasn’t a sudden death; he had been battling it for a couple of years. When my friend came back to school, he casually mentioned that his dad left him and his sister $7 million each. It turns out that his dad had hit the lottery before my friend was born and invested all the money away to help pay for college…. 

His mom got a nice chunk of change also. He grew up thinking they were just an ordinary middle-class family. We had a glorious third and fourth year of college thanks to my loaded friend. He did know his dad won the lottery, but it was never mentioned to him or his sister that it was a lot of money. Reddit User: LutherJackson

Not the Right Gold

I used to work for an accountant, and we used to make wills sometimes as well. There were a bunch of regular ones, but some were a little strange. Others were mean. Well, I remember one in particular that was both strange and cruel. To me, it was a little funny, but only because I wasn’t related to the guy….

An older man probably around 70 left all his money to his mistress while his wife only got the goldfish. I had to tell him that if his wife contested it, she would most definitely win; he said he didn’t care. I’m not sure why he was still with his wife if he felt that strongly about his mistress and her. Reddit User: [redacted]

The Farm or School

I’m from Iowa. Although I no longer live in a rural area, smart families (we are talking big rich farming families) would designate one kid who would continue the farm. What about the plethora of others? The others would be backed in whatever business/trade/schooling they wanted but would not be getting the farm. Do you think this upset the children, especially as adults? 

Absolutely not. They were raised that splitting the farm ruins the farm and makes it so no one sibling can make a living off of it. In order to keep things going, this is the way some of the wills are done, and everyone accepts it. Of course, they assume there will be little ones that still need to go to college even though the father is passing away. Reddit User: fenrir511

Be Nice

What do you do when you know your son is a love child of someone else? Well, I know a will that read as follows: “To my wife, I leave her lover and the knowledge that I was never the fool she thought me. To my son, I leave the pleasure of working for a living; for 25 years, he thought the pleasure was all mine….”

That is seriously the best dis ever, especially for a will. It was in my Wills & Trusts book in law school as an example of people talking crap in their wills. You’re supposed to discourage them as lawyers from doing so, which I totally understand. However, it doesn’t make it any less funny if that really happened to someone. Reddit User: DoctorDanDrangus

What Time Is It?

This story is the best will story I personally know of so far in my lifetime. The father had a valuable antique grandfather clock; he also had two daughters. His solution: If I die on an even day, daughter A gets the clock, an odd day, and daughter B gets it. The daughter who did not get the clock got an equivalent cash award based on the value of the clock….

I know of the event because I had to service the clock several times over the years. The daughter had to pay to get her clock serviced, so who do you think got the better deal? On the other hand, the cash is probably gone, and the clock daughter still has something to pass on in her will. I wonder if the sisters get along. Reddit User: chronos56

Richie Rich

When I was a clerk in law school at the state court of appeals, the adult children of a rich woman tried to invalidate the will. Basically, the woman was worth about 8 million dollars, and all the children were working professionals earning 6 or 7 figures. Well, the woman had used the same hairdresser for multiple years and had something for her….

The rich woman left a considerable amount in a trust for the hairdresser’s children’s education. The remainder of the estate was given to different charities. Basically, the kids were mad; they didn’t get a cut. Maybe they felt entitled to it, but in all honesty, the mother was generous to donate to those who really needed it more than her children. Reddit User: PhantomTireBuyer

Confessions

My grandmother was adopted and an only child. She took care of her parents until they died. A week before my great-grandfather died, the pastor from their church locked himself in the bedroom with him and had his will changed. When the will was read, it stated that my grandmother was not a person of any relation, and nothing from the estate was to go to her…. 

Also, the pastor had her adoption records destroyed so that there would be no proof of a relationship. Because of this, she never was able to find out anything about her birth family. All of his estates went to the church. Grandma was a little raw about this, which makes sense for so many reasons, from her being loved as a daughter to the pastor abusing his power. Reddit User: Kandoc1970

Bad Blood

I’m a law student and paralegal. A client had previously executed a will that bequeathed a significant percentage of her estate to her husband’s children. Her husband passed away, and we revised her will to remove all reference to her husband’s children. I guess she was only trying to appease him while he was alive, but that wasn’t the only thing….

Additionally, all of her jewelry that was going to go to her husband’s daughter ended up going to her housemaid. There must have been some bad blood between the woman and her husband’s children. Maybe they thought she was the evil stepmom, or perhaps she really was. I mean, the woman did have a housemaid, after all. Reddit User: mrcosmicna

My House, My Rules

My mother’s father’s will apparently made the lawyer a bit uncomfortable to read out loud. They were a farming family with three daughters. He thought my grandmother was a nice piece of booty (to put it nicely) and was paranoid about all the suitors upon his demise. He left the farm to his wife but their house to the daughters with a stipulation….

The deceased man wanted to make sure that the wife was allowed to live there…unless she remarried. She sold the farm and used that to buy the house off my mother and her sisters. She didn’t remarry, but she wasn’t going to let anyone control her either. She was a pretty smart and loyal lady. Reddit User: jumb1